“Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves”
Once you have figured out what to do when he or she leaves, and once you are into doing those four steps, what next? The answer to this seems to me, once again, pretty simple. I see it to be all about changing your habits of “keeping secrets” and “being blind.”
"Out of the Blue"
Hey, give me a break! Whatever your partner did, it certainly did not come from nowhere. Our partners always make sense. Their behavior made sense. We were surprised. We didn’t see it coming, because we were not informed. We were blind to what was going on in them. We call it “odd” or “out of the blue” just cuz it surprises us. The phrase “out of the blue” seems to signal the “blindness” of the person using the phrase. 
I remember being told that an Affair is in many ways a teaching experience, from which the affaired against can learn a) all about trust (which they won’t have for years to come) and b) about what was going on in their partner that they were blind to. I think this is just as true for affairs as for “unexpected” departures.
Story excerpted from Part 5 of my Map of Relationships:
A man called our office on Sunday, saying he wanted to get his wife in to see me. “She is going crazy,” he said. “She wants a divorce after 23 happy years. She says she doesn’t love me any more.”
He made the appointment and sent her in. And, surprising me, she came.
I asked her what the problem was. She said, “I don’t love him any more.” I asked, “How long since you last loved him?” She predictably responded, “22 years.” So much for the “happy 23 years” idea.
Seeking to find out the factor that had kept her from sharing this secret unhappiness with her partner for 22 years, I said, “Perhaps we should tell him.” She almost jumped, “No, no! We couldn’t do that. It would hurt him too much.” And so I gathered his fragility and dramatized pain had kept her quiet all these years.
I asked, “Well, what makes you think of doing something about it now.” And the predictable answer was, “Well, I met this guy who makes me feel like a real woman.”
By the way, she did tell her husband about being unhappy for 22 years. They did get a divorce. After a short happy 5 months, the woman and her new friend broke up. She found the new guy worse than her ex-husband. She decided to come back and try again. Her ex-husband would have none of it. “You lied to me for 22 years. How can I ever trust you now?”
The experience of surprise, I think, is a cue to get to work becoming reliably aware of what is going on in your partner. It is a cue to become aware of your own tendency to blindness and fix it once and for all.
Reading the Tea Leaves
Gosh this seems so simple. Look down into that cup of tea at those leaves! They are telling you something. Look into whatever your partner does or says, he/she is telling you something. Don’t ignore it.
Malidoma Some told me about how stupid are westerners. In his country, if your house burns down, you sit in the ashes for a couple of weeks in a deep effort to understand the message(s) in the fire. In our country we use insurance to pay for fixing the problem and ignore the message. In his country, if you break an arm, you get help reading the message in that fracture. In our country we drop into the hospital, get the arm set, and ignore the message that was sent us.
When someone leaves you, they are telling you something. One thing they are telling you is that it is not easy to get your attention and to get you to listen. They have had to use very extreme methods – leaving you.
I recall being in Glacier Park, Montana during the New York and Washington bombings on 9/11. My friend brought me the news from the Ranger Station to our campsite. During the time it took him to walk that 200 yards, he had time to think. As he told me the news he said, “I wonder what message they were delivering and why they had to use such an extreme method.”
As I listen to people writing me about being left by their partner, their focus seems to rest more on the steps to do, than in “listening” to what their partner is “clumsily” telling them.
So here are some steps:
- Go ahead and be surprised.
- Start reading the Tea Leaves. Something “out of the blue” is a big “tea leaf.” What is the message?
- First, read the message that he/she somehow didn’t let you know that this surprise was coming – you think it is out of the blue. But they knew!
- Read the message they may have had difficulty getting your attention, getting you to listen. They probably still have this problem.
- Read the message that they care enough about you to put up with your blindness and poor listening skills for a long time before they used the extreme way of sending their message.
- Read the message that you have probably learned to communicate in a way that is obnoxious to them.
- Read the message that they really want you to change, and they have some good ideas about what that change might look like. They are not interested in destroying you, just “tuning” you.
- Read the message that they may not be very strong at getting your attention when they think you won’t listen.
- Start learning, and keep at it. (I am still working on this 15 years after I did my first noticing.) I might suggest learning the Art of Pulling.
- Learn that if you aren’t hearing everything regularly from your partner, you are probably at risk! You see, until then, until you are hearing regularly from them, your partner is living “in the Blue.” Read those Tea Leaves!
A Trap for Clingers/Pursuers/Maximizers/the Needy – like me.
Now, reading Tea Leaves is not simple. It takes lots of skill, and lots of practice. And I’ve found a particular problem that hits most clingy, information-seeking people. I am assuming that you have come to this page partially cuz you have recovered a bit from “their walking away” situation. You might call this article, “more reading for those who needed to read What to do when he/she leaves." And so I am assuming that “you want to get a great relationship back” with someone who has demonstrated an ability to walk off. I am also speaking to us, since I have faced the same problems.
I have often found it true that our partner’s, having lived with us for some time and having experienced people like us most of their lives, often a) give out with very small Tea Leaves and b) are often are pretty obscure with what they share – at first. I believe that if you begin to play your cards well, this situation will improve, and will reach its completion with you needing to sometimes shut your partner up cuz they are talking too much, giving out too much data too fast. Takes time.
Back to the Trap. What to do with their tiny Tea Leaves? Well, I believe that your mind will eagerly seek to “make sense” of their Leaves. You will build a theory. You may build many theories. This, I think, is natural. The reason you want information is because you seek “predictive information” in an attempt to feel relaxed with this person. Predictive Information is often carried in the head as theories or models of how people behave, what they are up to, etc. And so I think it normal to build theories. And we would like our theories to be accurate, i.e. to be valuable in predicting what our partner will do next and thus valuable at keeping us from being surprised.
I think it is natural to want to check out your theory with your partner in an effort to make sure it is accurate. DON’T DO IT! While this checking out is natural in a relationship of equals (there it is called Validation), in a relationship recovering from Clinger/Avoider dynamics, I find it very dangerous. I believe the checking out becomes part of the overwhelming behavior, the pushing behavior that you are learning to avoid. When I would check out my theory, it seemed to crush my partner. Not a desirable result.
So here I am, reading my partner’s Tea Leaves, wanting to read accurately, wanting to be helpful, wanting say “did I get it right”, and this very behavior overwhelms my partner. Ugly situation! I was amazed by it. No matter how carefully I shared my “theory,” it didn’t work for a long time.
I think it is critical to let your partner share, and learn to share, themselves at their rate, and not feel pushed or “interpreted” or “analyzed.” Your role is “to invite” only. I think this is the difference between Pushing and Pulling.
And so this means that for some time you are going to build theories about your partner, not share them, learn to improve those theories based on more Tea Leaves. Eventually your theories will become more and more accurate. But then your partner’s understanding of their own behaviors will also be more accurate.
Good luck!
Dear Al,
I've learned so much this year. I believe I scared myself pretty bad when I figured out how blind I was, and still am, to so many things. It hit me like a brick wall, and I felt so ashamed I just wanted to dig a hole and crawl in, away from everyone. I feel so toxic! I have found it difficult to teach myself that I did not know any better, and that I did not have the required skills to maintain a healthy relationship. I've noticed that myself and my family indulge a great deal in narcissistic behaviors. I think I found some congruency in your idea of neotany and these types of behavior. Would you happen to have a paper that explores this more?
I am just starting to recognize my resentments for my leaving partner. For the longest time, I assured myself that I was not allowed to feel resentments, and that if I did, they were a product of her resentments toward me; that I essentially facilitated my own resentments. She was well within her rights to leave me, but your logic suggests that she could have handled the situation much better. Perhaps she has some things she needs to work on as well, though it seems not nearly as much as me. Sometimes I feel hopeful, because I believe we are IMAGO matches. Then I feel hopeless when I think of how far back I am compared to her. The iceberg helps remind me that there is much more going on within her, and myself, and that I don't really know as much as I think I do. I think have a strong tendency to posture as a passive-master/slave, because my mother does the same. It has been overwhelming, figuring this out. I have so much work to do. I believe I would be in a much darker place, if not for your wisdom.
Sincerely,
Johnny
Dear Johnny, I can share a few pieces.
About waiting for her. While it takes time, I don’t suggest you wait forever. The tasks for you, the learning tasks, I don’t think should be put off. And I believe you need a partner to proceed with that learning. Looking back on my life, I wasted a lot of time waiting.
About apologizing: Well, I love the idea of getting a sense of completion for yourself. I am not so fond of the idea of needing or using your partner for this particularly when she is moving away from you. Apologies often seem like a bandaid over a broken leg- good but don't deal with the important issues. You might want to look at the bit I wrote on Making Amends to see a format for a) doing your part and then b) assisting her to do her part. Helping her do her part seem the forgotten component, usually.
While validating her resentments is critical, validating her need to do that in her way and at her pace is even more critical. I suggest you don’t mix up your need to apologize/make amends with your desire to help her receive validation for her resentments in her time.
Another thought I have is where are your resentments of her behavior hiding?
One interesting idea here is that I don’t think you can do much about validating her resentments unless she is present and has just stated one of her resentments. I’m fear your letter may come across as a blanket “I'm growing up and I am forgiving-myself” letter. While that is good, I think validating and Pre-validating her is more important.
You ask it the letter would it be healthy? For you, sure, I think it is always good to get off your chest what you have on it. People often use journaling to do this. Better yet is to share it with a good friend, counselor, etc. Does she need to listen or be there? Nope. I like to think that when you speak (send) you seeking validation or at least listening. When she speaks that is what she wants. When I am trying to validate my partner without her participation, then I think probably I am “not seeking to validate her, but am seeking her to validate me. Kind of sneaky, perhaps on my part.” And I have been very sneaky in my past. I think it was a very valuable lesson for me to learn just how sneaky I can be.
As far as timing, I think its always good to try. Either you’ll hit the mark or you’ll learn a lesson. Either way you win.
Oh, and you mention your “passive-aggressive behavior and the silent treatments.” I suggest you prepare yourself for the discovery of a whole lot of other, more clear, specific behaviors of your you will discover that need changing. I'm just guessing between the lines. Keep your head up.
Good luck,
Al
Dear Al,
Your wisdom has been invaluable to me during these past four months. Thank you.
I'm starting to learn that as much as I want my ex-partner to return to me, it may take many more months, or even years before she does. It is very likely she may never return. I may very well achieve my goal of vintage love with someone else, down the road, a long time from now. I am learning to accept all of these possibilities as potential realities.
Because I'm on this quest, I want to do it the right way and the honorable way. One of the strongest compulsions I've had since my girl split with me, is the need to apologize to her. I know I would obtain some peace of mind from this, during this process of self-healing. I feel very guilty about my patterns of passive-aggressive behavior and the silent treatments I gave her. It was one of her main resentments.
In an ideal situation, she and I are face-to-face, with me validating her resentments. If I am being realistic, I should know that I may never see her face-to-face ever again, or at least in the context that would allow for me to bring up such heavy topics.
I'll tell you what I am thinking of doing:
Because I don't want to frighten her, I would write her a letter. I would preface the letter stating that my intention of said letter is only to validate her resentments of the past in order to alleviate some of my guilty feelings, so that I might move on. She does not have to respond to this letter, she does not have to do anything but read it. And from there I would proceed to clear my conscious.
If I go about writing this letter with the pure intention of what I stated above, would this be healthy? I don't believe I am jeopardizing a potential reunion, and there would be no provocation in it. At the very least, it would be invitational. Almost like an open letter, to Whom It May Concern, etc. but directed to her. Like I said before, this is just for my peace of mind, and if she somehow finds it endearing, that is up to her.
For the record, it has been a little over four months. She leaves for school at the end of August. I am curious as to what you think about my idea and the timing of it. Thank you again sir, you have been most helpful!
Sincerely,
Johnny
Dear Johnny,
Tis a great questionning: How long do you wait? Is there any hope? When is it definitely over? I wrote an article on this some time ago and maybe we should chat about this topic at that article.
First I hear you want a definite clear signal. Good for you and welcome to the world of adults were clarity is a rarity. I've seen people say, “This is definitely over” and reconnect in an hour. I've also seen a couple who had divorced each other three times and were now trying to come back together. I've certainly seen people who divorced, had another marriage which ended, and then come back together. So when you ask for clarity, I don't know where it is.
The best thoughts I have are “when to stop putting energy into it” or “when to reduce the amount of energy you put into it?” This, of course is a personal decision. There are many forms of this. If I am fully focused on my current partner, I am not putting much energy into finding a new one. If I am looking for a new partner and haven't found one yet, I will probably keep spending a bit of energy on the last partner. When I have a new partner, I am probably dropping almost to zero the energy I put on my last partner. (Children shared with the first partner complicate this.) The only thing that clearly stops the energy on your old (Imago match) partner is a new (Imago match) partner.
Once you wake up to the Tea Leaves, the rest is an investigation. I hear you working on this. One thought is that you seem still to believe that there is such a thing as “facticity” that you can know. Facticity seems to me something out there that each of us see differently. I suggest you read and absorb Master/Slave and get rid of that tendency. A better question is “what do things look like to me and what do things look like to her?”
With that framework your question becomes, “I wonder what she was thinking about when she said ' It's over…..” I notice that her statements as quoted by you are mostly MasterTalk. And so I recommend scraping off the tone of positive facticity before you try to understand what she is thinking.
“I've lost my love for you.” Well this is an almost universal statement for a person in the Power Struggle. My belief is that every human who falls in love, will fall out of love. It's part of the Map of Relationship. Still people seem to treat this “absolutely normal occurance” as a disaster! I did. But now I think of it as startling event that presages the growing part of a relationship – the real work toward vintage love. At least it is a choice point.
Love your thinking about Emotional Intelligence. Mind you, I think that what I am teaching and displaying is Relational Intelligence. From that point of view part of what you are doing is discovering and actualizing your emotional intelligence and helping your partner discover and activate their's. Sounds good.
“Do I ask my self…..” Let me change the question. At what point to I cut back my investment, at what point to I drop my investment and seek to invest in someone else? How much time in my life can I spend here?
“If we are meant….” I love that spiritual view – as if the Almighty is ordering the whole thing. By the way, I happen to believe that idea with some pretty clear framework. I don't think this is so much about the Almighty, God, spirits etc. as it is about the wisdom we mortals need to respond to events as they are handed to us. I love the phrase, “It's my choice. Either I will enjoy what is happening, or I will have an opportunity to learn and grow up. Both ways I can learn and come closer to God. Either way I win!”
In that way, one lesson in front of you is how to deal with your own past blindness about your partner. Another lesson is to develop the awesome skills of patience. Another might be to learn to relax when things are ambiguous. Etc.
Oh, and back to that phrase (“If we are meant….”), I hear you still looking for the fact of why “people” say that. Silly guy, the better question is “What does she mean by that phrase?”
Good luck.
Dear Al,
I posted a comment in a different article asking for advice, and then I thought I might expand on that idea for this column. What are your thoughts on attempting to go 4 it with a leaving partner who you feel may not want to go 4 it? Is it your belief that a leaving partner will never completely shut the door and that there is always a slim chance of hope? How do you find out, without overwhelming the leaving partner, if she is allowing for that slim hope to stay alive? I suppose I am struggling with the idea of the passage of time and how long I should remain resilient, when in fact, the leaving partner may have moved on altogether.
I can already see your reply: “Johhny- Self-actualization/improvement and keeping the dream of Vintage Love alive go hand-in-hand. They are both a means to the same end.”
What do the Tea Leaves look like when the message is: “It’s over. I’ve lost my love for you. It’s time for you to move on.” Is this something for me to figure out on my own, or for her to bluntly say to my face? (sounds like I’m still struggling with boundaries and acceptance)
Maybe these questions can be answered differently, relative to an individual's own emotional intelligence? For instance: The more disciplined I am, the more patient I can be for my leaving partner, thus, the longer I can hold onto the possibility of achieving Vintage Love with that partner.
Do I ask myself: “How stubborn can I be, for as long as I can be, until I am smart enough to figure out that it’s over?”
Perhaps you might be able to shed some light on a common phrase my leaving partner has said twice: “If we are meant to be together, we will find each other again at that time.” It sounds very Buddhist, but also comes with a lot of uncertainty. Do I find it uncertain because I'm not at peace with myself as much as she is? In some ways it sounds like an ambivalent gesture, but perhaps she just doesn't know yet herself. I suppose I wonder if this phrase is commonly said to end a relationship cleverly and neatly, or if the person says it out of their own indecisiveness.
Sincerely,
Johnny