When to Fold ’Em?
Lots of people have asked me this over the past year. “If my partner is moving away, is leaving me, when should I give up? How do I make that decision?” I did write one article on how to get ‘em to make a decision about joining you in a relationship. This article is based on the same principle involving a person who maybe acting passively at a time when you want some decision. And remember this is all based on your continued wish to reconnect.
The decision you want is a) that your partner decides to come back toward you or b) that you reasonably get to stop waiting for them.
Here is the setup. They have moved out, either physically or emotionally or both. Their actions have led you to understand that the previous relationship you had with them somehow “sucked” – enough for them to leave. So now you don’t want the old relationship back, but do want to make a new and better relationship with them. You have read my article on What to do when he/she leaves and are trying to follow the four steps.
So the question is, “How long do you wait?” The current wisdom out on the internet seems to be to not contact them at all. I do not think that a wise course. No contact may make them become aware of their “loneliness,” but also may communicate that you don’t care – that you want them to go away.
So here is my suggestion. Modify this as you chose. In its pure form it takes 5 months.
- Establish a contact channel: email, or cards are ideal. It should be cheap and easily permit the sending of a very limited amount of information. I find text messaging is not very suited to this, nor is voice mail, but you choose. You want them to receive your contact and have perfect freedom about what they do with it: read it, trash it, etc.
- Plan a message that you are going to send. You may have to send as many as 10, so make this simple. The message should contain a “greeting,” an optional bit of news, a clue to your work on yourself, a gentle invitation for more contact.
- The greeting can be nothing more complex than “Hi,” or “Dear Mike,” etc. Keep this light.
- Optional newsy bit is just something like “It’s raining hard,” “The lilacs are out,” “Broke my leg the other day. Doing ok, tho.” Don’t mention anything awful that they might feel obliged to fix. Don’t ever say, “I’m miserable without you,” or the like.
- The clue to your work on yourself is part of my instruction to “3: Work on yourself visibly.” This should be different in each note, and I think these should be pretty abstract. You want your partner to be curious for more. Some examples are, “Seeing my counselor weekly and I am sure learning a lot,” “Wow am I learning about how pushy I used to be.” “Boy, I am getting it that I have been asleep for years.” Etc. Anything you are learning that might involve some subject of their past “complaints” might be good. An example could be that if they complained about your temper, you say, “I am working really hard on getting rid of my anger. I realized it’s been a problem to me for years.”
- Lastly you include a gentle invitation (not a push) to more contact. “Love to hear from you any time you feel like it,” “It’d be fun to hear your voice.” “If you ever feel like contacting me, feel free.” (I strongly suggest you don’t ask questions. None, if you can. Just gentle invitations.)
- Then sign it, bluntly or not at all. “Dave,” “Yours,” etc. Do not say, “Your most obedient and humble servant, begging for your orders, please, please.”
- Send one message only, once a week for one month. (4 messages) Send one message, once every other week for two months. (4 messages) Send one message, once a month for two months. (2 messages) STOP.
That’s it.
If at any time he/she re-contacts you, follow my rule #4 and respond minimally. Oh, if their contact is neutral or simply newsy, read it and ignore it. The contact you are looking for is some request to connect to you coming from them. Example: if they say, “Life is crazy here,” you might feel an impulse to write back something like, “What’s going on?” Don’t do it! It’s a trap. If they say, “Tell me more about what you are learning,” that’s a move to reconnect. Respond minimally to that. Wait for them to be explicit.
Do not be surprised too much if he/she contacts you after the five months of this process. Your partner is leaving that period with a memory of your wanting them, but not pushing. That, I think, is the best you can do.
Good luck.
Read your note pretty carefully. As you are reading around in my website I can refer to things I've learned that makes his behavior more clear.
My guess is that the bottom line is that you are living in, what I call, a “fact void.” where you don't know what is going on in him. This is the normal low-to-zero intimacy that often happens between people, and occurs and is eventually discovered to exist in early relationships.
To make this happen you contribute a kind of blindness (not noticing what is going on in him, not noticing that you can't see what is going on in him, or not solving why he won't share) and he contributes lots of unclear communication, or withdrawing, which amounts to telling lies. Whenever anyone is surprised by something their partner does, these components have been present: their lying and blindness. Both are readily fixable habits.
But let's look at his statements. My guess is that he is acting in one version of what I call politeness. My parents were very polite. They always said what they thought should be said, frequently something nice. That was rarely the truth. They lied all the time.
Intimacy involves getting to have regular and relaxing contact with the raw truth in each other.
And I think you are right in being confused. The issue is which can you trust: his polite statements or his actions? I would suggest not either very much.
I wouldn't believe any of his polite statements. I wouldn't believe the statement that it is all his fault. I would work to a) get behind any habits you have that discourages intimacy and remove them lousy habits, and b) be curious about what is really going on in him.
But then again, your first issues is the Clinger/Avoider and that you have to solve. YOU, not him. It's always work of the Clinger. Work with your counselor. Read my stuff on Reliable Membership.
Hi Al,
I love all your articles, and the way you approach relationships from a place of compassion. I'm really confused and I'd like to get your opinion on this. My ex and I were together for a bit more than 2 years. We broke up briefly twice (2 wks, 1 month), but came back together because we thought we could work on things and cuz we loved each other very much. Throughout, I was the clinger and he was the avoider, and this worsened over time. I really do think a lot of our problems revolve around the circumstances. I used to be very insecure in the beginning, and he was very patient. By the time I started seeking therapy, his patience was waning, and his work was getting very busy (PhD, travel to Japan for months at a time).
Recently, we broke up for a third time, due to a big fight, and also because I found out he cheated on me during one of his earlier visits to Japan. By cheating, I mean that he bought a rose for a girl for the purpose of getting to know her romantically, but nothing progressed.
When I confronted him, he said all these things: the girl didn't mean anything (but he wanted to get to know her!), that he was still 'committed' to me at the time, that he still saw me as 'the one' for him at the end (i.e. after his PhD when he settles down), that the way I pressured him and made him feel trapped and pushed him to do this…finally, he admitted that it wasn't my fault, but just that he wasn't ready to commit.
We've been broken up for a month with a few instances of contact where I wanted more clarity and apologized for my role to play. He emailed me once after telling me that 'i'm truly a great girl'. Anyway, the part that REALLY confuses me and just 'doesn't make sense' to me is how he can say he truly loved me and how he can say (and has been saying for all our 2 years) that I'm the one for him in the end, but at the same time clearly lied to me and tried to cheat on me… Can you make any sense of this? Sometimes I feel pretty frustrated that I haven't arrived at a conclusion, to either close the door on our future or not.
Thank you,
Ruth
Thanks for your comments.
Although she has yet to open up (to anyone I think), I have realised that it has been my own emotional abuse that has caused her depression. Lots of invalidating, combined with selfishness. (I have been going through my own depression for the best part of 6 months, without realising or telling her, which I think has caused a lot of the communication problems from my end.)
I have sent her two emails apologising for my behaviour, the first one a pure apology, the second one some explanation and steps im taking to rectify the situation.
Problem is Im finding it very difficult to “Keep minimal contact” and stop pushing her away. I read your website about all the things I should have been doing, and you offer advice on how to correct them, but I am in no position to, so I keep wanting to contact to try and fix them.
Depression is actually a pretty common problem in difficult relationships. My articles on Emotions summarize where I believe depression falls – a fairly normal response to a hopeless/passively faced situation. Lots of people chose to stick in depression. I don't recommend it. I think we all can help each other to avoid that trap. Medicating it can prolong the process of becoming a more proactive person, but I believe it can be a useful turning-around strategy.
Time does a lot of things. He gets to know more about his new gal pal. He gets more and more distance from you. Follow all the steps I've outlined and he makes not contact in a coupla of months, move on. But don't be surprised if he recontacts you at some time. Be ready. And remember you cannot ever return to that you-being-clingy relationship again.
Good luck.
Al