When to Fold ’Em?
Lots of people have asked me this over the past year. “If my partner is moving away, is leaving me, when should I give up? How do I make that decision?” I did write one article on how to get ‘em to make a decision about joining you in a relationship. This article is based on the same principle involving a person who maybe acting passively at a time when you want some decision. And remember this is all based on your continued wish to reconnect.
The decision you want is a) that your partner decides to come back toward you or b) that you reasonably get to stop waiting for them.
Here is the setup. They have moved out, either physically or emotionally or both. Their actions have led you to understand that the previous relationship you had with them somehow “sucked” – enough for them to leave. So now you don’t want the old relationship back, but do want to make a new and better relationship with them. You have read my article on What to do when he/she leaves and are trying to follow the four steps.
So the question is, “How long do you wait?” The current wisdom out on the internet seems to be to not contact them at all. I do not think that a wise course. No contact may make them become aware of their “loneliness,” but also may communicate that you don’t care – that you want them to go away.
So here is my suggestion. Modify this as you chose. In its pure form it takes 5 months.
- Establish a contact channel: email, or cards are ideal. It should be cheap and easily permit the sending of a very limited amount of information. I find text messaging is not very suited to this, nor is voice mail, but you choose. You want them to receive your contact and have perfect freedom about what they do with it: read it, trash it, etc.
- Plan a message that you are going to send. You may have to send as many as 10, so make this simple. The message should contain a “greeting,” an optional bit of news, a clue to your work on yourself, a gentle invitation for more contact.
- The greeting can be nothing more complex than “Hi,” or “Dear Mike,” etc. Keep this light.
- Optional newsy bit is just something like “It’s raining hard,” “The lilacs are out,” “Broke my leg the other day. Doing ok, tho.” Don’t mention anything awful that they might feel obliged to fix. Don’t ever say, “I’m miserable without you,” or the like.
- The clue to your work on yourself is part of my instruction to “3: Work on yourself visibly.” This should be different in each note, and I think these should be pretty abstract. You want your partner to be curious for more. Some examples are, “Seeing my counselor weekly and I am sure learning a lot,” “Wow am I learning about how pushy I used to be.” “Boy, I am getting it that I have been asleep for years.” Etc. Anything you are learning that might involve some subject of their past “complaints” might be good. An example could be that if they complained about your temper, you say, “I am working really hard on getting rid of my anger. I realized it’s been a problem to me for years.”
- Lastly you include a gentle invitation (not a push) to more contact. “Love to hear from you any time you feel like it,” “It’d be fun to hear your voice.” “If you ever feel like contacting me, feel free.” (I strongly suggest you don’t ask questions. None, if you can. Just gentle invitations.)
- Then sign it, bluntly or not at all. “Dave,” “Yours,” etc. Do not say, “Your most obedient and humble servant, begging for your orders, please, please.”
- Send one message only, once a week for one month. (4 messages) Send one message, once every other week for two months. (4 messages) Send one message, once a month for two months. (2 messages) STOP.
That’s it.
If at any time he/she re-contacts you, follow my rule #4 and respond minimally. Oh, if their contact is neutral or simply newsy, read it and ignore it. The contact you are looking for is some request to connect to you coming from them. Example: if they say, “Life is crazy here,” you might feel an impulse to write back something like, “What’s going on?” Don’t do it! It’s a trap. If they say, “Tell me more about what you are learning,” that’s a move to reconnect. Respond minimally to that. Wait for them to be explicit.
Do not be surprised too much if he/she contacts you after the five months of this process. Your partner is leaving that period with a memory of your wanting them, but not pushing. That, I think, is the best you can do.
Good luck.
Hi Al
I was directed to your collection here by someone you've helped prior who was “Passing on the good deed” from someone whom passed on to them. This really is a great collection of advice. I personally have just started going through your posts, but one thing I feel it has done is given me a direction and a sense of purpose about my immediate future.
I have a situation which seems slightly unique, in that my partner was diagnosed by a psychiatrist as going through a major depressive episode. She went to live with her mother 2 weeks after this diagnosis.
I have been doing all the wrong things, from both a relationship point of view, and from a helping someone with depression point of view. I was clingy, confronting, sending rambling emails etc. I have since read a lot your postings, and im quite certain I've scared her lizard as well as her biological desires in the months leading up to this diagnosis.
How does the depression factor in to the suggestions and guidelines in the “What to do when she leaves you?” article, and other articles in general. I read some other websites and books which say that people who are depressed often do things they dont mean, or wouldnt do when not depressed.
Ok, so my ex moved out and asked for NC, and when I contacted him regarding returning some of the precious stuff he forgot he wrote that we both needed space to move on and he didn't want to go around in circles. He was going to send his gal pal to collect the stuff (fell through). Have only contacted him by email 5 times since the break up and all times bar 1.5 were to do with what I should do with his stuff.
I said goodbye in last letter and left option for a goodbye coffee. He didn't reply.
Should I continue Low contact or respect his wishes and forget it? Once of his problems with me was that I needy and never listened, and I'm worried LC with reinforce this view.
Well, I am sorry that I am aware that each situation is unique. I can put out the principles I have found, but each person has to use em. The goal is to a) turn your partner around just a bit and b) give you some time to learn your new roles with them and show your partner that you've learned,.
I've met people who have had to use the brief-methodical communication scheme many times over a couple of years. They'd email, then meet, then blow it again, then split, then use the email, then meet, then blow it again, etc. Sad to watch, learning is slow sometimes, but I think it better than not learning.
I think a medium term goal is that your partner feels life is better when around you, rather than any kind of feeling trapped. In romantic love this seems often to “magically” appear. Later both partners have to learn the skills of making those feelings appear. My website if full of those skills, and the principles I found behind the skills.
I realize there are lots of factors in what you should do next: avoid repetition, stay steady, not say “too” much, and of course time is passing. Only you can choose the right balance.
Good luck. Let me know how things work out.
Me again. I've been on schedule now with the reaching out emails. He replied to my first email. The 2nd was a card sent to him a week later with a personal note inside. I ran into him a few days later and he thanked me for the card and was quite engaging in conversation. For the first time in a while, I felt like his “lizard was calm” when he bumped into me. When we hugged goodbye, I asked him if he was okay with us hugging, where he then replied with “you can have a hug any time you want, and you weren't what you wrote in your email & card”
He's taking note of what I am saying my changes are, however he is not asking me anything or re-engaging me, and I know not to reply if he doesn't do so…
Here's my question.. I want to 'stay on schedule' with sending the emails/cards and today would be the 3rd bit of communication. It feels kind of odd to send another email after I ran into him this past Saturday. After this next email, I feel like I will have covered all the “issues” he had with me (or at least the ones he expressed to me).. should I continue with the same format or is it okay to take out the 2nd sentence so there's no overlap or repeats… hope you can help here. thanks so much.
Hello Al-
It's been a while, and I appreciated your reply last time. You were able to help a friend of mine and guide him to make the right decisions. He has guided me, but I still am unsure/unclear on how I should proceed. I've been reading & learning on your site and trying to make changes & improve myself. I still want him to be my partner and I was thinking of starting the small bits of communication to show him some changes I am making. I don't want to push, so I want to follow your advice. I recently sent him a link to a new restaurant so that when I send a friendly, 3 sentence email in a week or so, it won't be completely out of the blue. He ended up replying 5 days later, even though I didn't seek out a reply. Here's my questions: 1. It's been 5 months past the breakup, is it too late to start this communication efforts now? 2. Is it too late to think a possible reconciliation is possible or is it good time because now the heavy emotions may have subsided? 3. It is near the 2yr anniversary of his father's passing.. We were dating at the 1 yr anniversary and this is right when he started pulling away.. I know it's a rough time of year for him, but he will never say so. Would it be inappropriate to send a card just saying “thinking of you during this difficult time of year” or is this pushing? I was thinking of sending a 3 sentence email in the next 2 weeks, the card two weeks later and then nothing again for a little while… Am I handling this okay? I have learned so much about “pushing” and “inviting someone to share”. I'd appreciate your thoughts. thanks Al.