When to Fold ’Em?
Lots of people have asked me this over the past year. “If my partner is moving away, is leaving me, when should I give up? How do I make that decision?” I did write one article on how to get ‘em to make a decision about joining you in a relationship. This article is based on the same principle involving a person who maybe acting passively at a time when you want some decision. And remember this is all based on your continued wish to reconnect.
The decision you want is a) that your partner decides to come back toward you or b) that you reasonably get to stop waiting for them.
Here is the setup. They have moved out, either physically or emotionally or both. Their actions have led you to understand that the previous relationship you had with them somehow “sucked” – enough for them to leave. So now you don’t want the old relationship back, but do want to make a new and better relationship with them. You have read my article on What to do when he/she leaves and are trying to follow the four steps.
So the question is, “How long do you wait?” The current wisdom out on the internet seems to be to not contact them at all. I do not think that a wise course. No contact may make them become aware of their “loneliness,” but also may communicate that you don’t care – that you want them to go away.
So here is my suggestion. Modify this as you chose. In its pure form it takes 5 months.
- Establish a contact channel: email, or cards are ideal. It should be cheap and easily permit the sending of a very limited amount of information. I find text messaging is not very suited to this, nor is voice mail, but you choose. You want them to receive your contact and have perfect freedom about what they do with it: read it, trash it, etc.
- Plan a message that you are going to send. You may have to send as many as 10, so make this simple. The message should contain a “greeting,” an optional bit of news, a clue to your work on yourself, a gentle invitation for more contact.
- The greeting can be nothing more complex than “Hi,” or “Dear Mike,” etc. Keep this light.
- Optional newsy bit is just something like “It’s raining hard,” “The lilacs are out,” “Broke my leg the other day. Doing ok, tho.” Don’t mention anything awful that they might feel obliged to fix. Don’t ever say, “I’m miserable without you,” or the like.
- The clue to your work on yourself is part of my instruction to “3: Work on yourself visibly.” This should be different in each note, and I think these should be pretty abstract. You want your partner to be curious for more. Some examples are, “Seeing my counselor weekly and I am sure learning a lot,” “Wow am I learning about how pushy I used to be.” “Boy, I am getting it that I have been asleep for years.” Etc. Anything you are learning that might involve some subject of their past “complaints” might be good. An example could be that if they complained about your temper, you say, “I am working really hard on getting rid of my anger. I realized it’s been a problem to me for years.”
- Lastly you include a gentle invitation (not a push) to more contact. “Love to hear from you any time you feel like it,” “It’d be fun to hear your voice.” “If you ever feel like contacting me, feel free.” (I strongly suggest you don’t ask questions. None, if you can. Just gentle invitations.)
- Then sign it, bluntly or not at all. “Dave,” “Yours,” etc. Do not say, “Your most obedient and humble servant, begging for your orders, please, please.”
- Send one message only, once a week for one month. (4 messages) Send one message, once every other week for two months. (4 messages) Send one message, once a month for two months. (2 messages) STOP.
That’s it.
If at any time he/she re-contacts you, follow my rule #4 and respond minimally. Oh, if their contact is neutral or simply newsy, read it and ignore it. The contact you are looking for is some request to connect to you coming from them. Example: if they say, “Life is crazy here,” you might feel an impulse to write back something like, “What’s going on?” Don’t do it! It’s a trap. If they say, “Tell me more about what you are learning,” that’s a move to reconnect. Respond minimally to that. Wait for them to be explicit.
Do not be surprised too much if he/she contacts you after the five months of this process. Your partner is leaving that period with a memory of your wanting them, but not pushing. That, I think, is the best you can do.
Good luck.
I don't think there is a right answer here. The goal is to display that you are not only no longer a threat to him, but that you have learned and are learning how you have been a threat in the past. He is more than a deer, and can learn much more thoroughly and quickly. If you ignore the past, he will think you are just lurking and gonna pounce. Yet if you share with him that information you may be talking too much. Single sentences are often enough.
Glancing run in. “Hi, Jim, I don't wanna push you at all. Just saw you there. Good to see you. Boy, have I been learning a lot about my mistakes from the past. Anyway. See you later,” and move on. Let him call you back.
I think that because he is not a deer, he will likely remember your words and wonder, become curious.
Tis just a thought.
Hi Al-
Thanks for the advice. We ran into each other today and he sort of initiated conversation with me. I actually asked him if he was comfortable with these run-ins happening so often, and said “if I wasn't, then I would have moved by now”..
I think his lizard flees or freezes, because the moment it starts to feel awkward, he says he has to go… How can I continue to make him feel safe? Would it be letting him initiate contact like a deer coming out of the woods? I don't want to scare him away by approaching…
Ideally you want to know more about how your partner wants to handle these run-ins. You want to handle them in a way that is non-threatening to him. The goal is that whenever he runs into you, he feels safe. But to do that either a) he has to tell you what makes him safe or b) like me you have to go on guesses until they become good guesses.
I would start with learning about your partner's Lizard (his unsafety mechanism). Read study my paper on the Lizard. Apply it to your history of him and start reaching for what makes him safe and you at the same time. These will be specific things. Go for that.
Hello.
I love the idea of trying to open up communication through letters/cards/etc and would love if I could utilize this, however, my ex and I live in the same town and have been running into each other about once a week or once every 2 weeks. We are just starting to talk more comfortably and openly about “what's going on” and I feel like i've made it more comfortable. It used to be awkward run-ins but now its 5-10 minute conversations. I haven't talked too much about myself though.
I think I might have pushed too much though when I said “maybe we can get a drink after the holidays?” He said yes, but then I asked on our last encounter and he said “i'll call you sometime” .. I think I may be doing too much pushing. How should I approach this situation where we are constantly running into each other?
Please do not rush. And wouldn't it be nice to always know ahead of time what is right. I used to say that they should put on my gravestone, “He tried to do the right thing.” I've given that up. I just do my best, now. Lets talk when we can.