When to Fold ’Em?
Lots of people have asked me this over the past year. “If my partner is moving away, is leaving me, when should I give up? How do I make that decision?” I did write one article on how to get ‘em to make a decision about joining you in a relationship. This article is based on the same principle involving a person who maybe acting passively at a time when you want some decision. And remember this is all based on your continued wish to reconnect.
The decision you want is a) that your partner decides to come back toward you or b) that you reasonably get to stop waiting for them.
Here is the setup. They have moved out, either physically or emotionally or both. Their actions have led you to understand that the previous relationship you had with them somehow “sucked” – enough for them to leave. So now you don’t want the old relationship back, but do want to make a new and better relationship with them. You have read my article on What to do when he/she leaves and are trying to follow the four steps.
So the question is, “How long do you wait?” The current wisdom out on the internet seems to be to not contact them at all. I do not think that a wise course. No contact may make them become aware of their “loneliness,” but also may communicate that you don’t care – that you want them to go away.
So here is my suggestion. Modify this as you chose. In its pure form it takes 5 months.
- Establish a contact channel: email, or cards are ideal. It should be cheap and easily permit the sending of a very limited amount of information. I find text messaging is not very suited to this, nor is voice mail, but you choose. You want them to receive your contact and have perfect freedom about what they do with it: read it, trash it, etc.
- Plan a message that you are going to send. You may have to send as many as 10, so make this simple. The message should contain a “greeting,” an optional bit of news, a clue to your work on yourself, a gentle invitation for more contact.
- The greeting can be nothing more complex than “Hi,” or “Dear Mike,” etc. Keep this light.
- Optional newsy bit is just something like “It’s raining hard,” “The lilacs are out,” “Broke my leg the other day. Doing ok, tho.” Don’t mention anything awful that they might feel obliged to fix. Don’t ever say, “I’m miserable without you,” or the like.
- The clue to your work on yourself is part of my instruction to “3: Work on yourself visibly.” This should be different in each note, and I think these should be pretty abstract. You want your partner to be curious for more. Some examples are, “Seeing my counselor weekly and I am sure learning a lot,” “Wow am I learning about how pushy I used to be.” “Boy, I am getting it that I have been asleep for years.” Etc. Anything you are learning that might involve some subject of their past “complaints” might be good. An example could be that if they complained about your temper, you say, “I am working really hard on getting rid of my anger. I realized it’s been a problem to me for years.”
- Lastly you include a gentle invitation (not a push) to more contact. “Love to hear from you any time you feel like it,” “It’d be fun to hear your voice.” “If you ever feel like contacting me, feel free.” (I strongly suggest you don’t ask questions. None, if you can. Just gentle invitations.)
- Then sign it, bluntly or not at all. “Dave,” “Yours,” etc. Do not say, “Your most obedient and humble servant, begging for your orders, please, please.”
- Send one message only, once a week for one month. (4 messages) Send one message, once every other week for two months. (4 messages) Send one message, once a month for two months. (2 messages) STOP.
That’s it.
If at any time he/she re-contacts you, follow my rule #4 and respond minimally. Oh, if their contact is neutral or simply newsy, read it and ignore it. The contact you are looking for is some request to connect to you coming from them. Example: if they say, “Life is crazy here,” you might feel an impulse to write back something like, “What’s going on?” Don’t do it! It’s a trap. If they say, “Tell me more about what you are learning,” that’s a move to reconnect. Respond minimally to that. Wait for them to be explicit.
Do not be surprised too much if he/she contacts you after the five months of this process. Your partner is leaving that period with a memory of your wanting them, but not pushing. That, I think, is the best you can do.
Good luck.
Al,
Thank you for your guidance. sorry for the late reply…the christmas season is definatly upon us.
I understand my faults and to an extent the sabotage he played a part in.
Let me explain:
I work 40 hours a week. He pushed me to apply for a volunteer position with an exotic animal compound I had always wanted to work for as it had an opportunity to advance as an animal trainer. I was accepted and he seemed over the moon and talked about all the things he would do to make sure I had the ability to stick with the program (childcare, house work, etc) which was 8-16 hours a week.
I was just about working 7 days a week if you add in my regular job and I would come home exhausted.
He would have me keep myself busy but then complain when I wasn't around to do things. When I would offer to cut out the things that were keeping me from home to do the tasks he complained about He would say nonono I won't let you quit we will get it worked out and he would help.
But when it came down to it he just didn't have the will power or energy to help. I should have just stepped up and said yes while it is something I have always to do I am putting it aside because our family comes first.
I did do that in the end but it was too late he was already entrenched in the affair. I tried to cater to whatever he said was lacking till he had nothing to complain about and no reason to leave other than he was just not happy. I did become clingy and scared because I felt like my life was slipping away with him. I also fought like a cornered Tiger to try and end the affair. That included telling his family members, friends, and co-workers about it. I also had contact with the OW's husband when he found me to tell me about the affair and my fiance demanded I not talk to him.
I know I did a lot of damage. In the past I would have been able to move on by now but something still tells me not to give up. I still have a strong love for him and a sense of forgivness for him. A lot of people keep pushing me to just move on…but morally it does not feel right to me. I just cannot shake the feelings I have.
I would love to talk to you by phone al…unfortunatley me being a single mom this christmas has tied up my funds. I am trying to make sure my son has a good christmas after loosing out on so much this year. I am probally over doing it but he didn't deserve what happened also to him and he himself is still having issues with it. We have been seeing a family therapist but she has been rather pricey and I am playing catch up on bills until then we are on hold. Thank you for offering such a great site. I am still pretty much in limbo and I haven't made a move until I am sure what I want to do.
Dear Tigs,
Lots of thoughts. Just dealing with his actions of leaving will lead you to dealing with his telling the truth or not. Will lead to your awareness of your blindness. Ohhh will lead to so many things to learn about.
While I think the other woman is a problem, I think a bigger problem is learning what you do and have done that led to him wanting another woman. That knowledge is gold, cuz you can change that.
I think your fear is about not knowing what to do in this situation that will lead to where you want to go. Learning, grabbing ideas and trying them out, seems to me always the way to go.
If you want we could chat on the phone.
Good luck.
Dear Al,
I have been reading here and I am finding I am a fan. You seem to have a way to put things in a better way of understanding than some books.
My Stitch is similar to a few here. 2 months prior to our wedding my fiance left us (my son, our animals, and myself). To say we all felt lost and abandoned was an understatement.
He had begun an affair with a married woman he met through his work. They are still together after several months. She is now divorcing her husband. I love this man very much I find myself surviving and working on myself with a sense he will be back. I just don't know when.
I have been reading what to do when he leaves and what to do when your partner won't talk. Problem is…this other woman is in the picture. He until very recently would have ne contact with me. In the begining he even made us use an intermediary. Then suddenly recently he made contact in regards to something I asked him for and went from “I will mail it to you” to “I will come by your work to pick some things up and give the item to you around closing hours”.
Can you see the ???? above my head.
I made sure to look, smell, and act nice. we joked and were cordial and he had a look of guilt and loss about him.
He asked me to find something for him and call him when I found it and he would come by to get it. I have not been able to make myself contact him. Part of me fears he will disappear afterwards and part of me just plain doesn't want the item he asked for near the other woman (I am working on my anger towards this woman).
Right now I am in a state of limbo over this contact vs. no contact and how to handle it especially since this other woman and her 2 children are involved….yes I admit it scares me very much. Any advice would greatly be appreciated.
At a loss for which road to take.
Sorry to take so long to respond. Been on vacation and enjoying the beach.
Here's my thougth. I've run into this one three times this week so the topic is right up there. I see the issue as one of Master-Slave relating. The solution is to shift to the Friend-Friend or dialogical way of relating.
In Master-Slave relating there will be a lot of blame or guilt – all responsibility put on one or the other. I believe this must be broken up and replaced by a) Boundary concepts and Skills, b) very clear responsibility for your part of things and no responsibility for their part of things. You do your part and “help” them with doing their part. Maybe I haven't said this clearly enough on my site. Here's the paper.
If you are taking responsibility for his stuff or if he is taking responsibility for your stuff, I don't think it works. Usually when I see this pattern, both people are frightened of the other's “temper” or “threaths of leaving” and so the are holding back the very real impulse to say, “That's your stuff, idiot!” They are avoiding anything that looks like blaming, and I think you do need to “blame” your partner for their stuff. Perhaps do it “nicely” but I think you must do it.
When he says, “You are not the one with the problems!” I suggest you respond with, “Of course I don't have your problems. Those are yours. I have mine. And I am working on my problems. Help me see how you have a problem with that?”
You might want to look at my paper on Problem Solving. Tis my experience that people always hook up with people who have just as many problems.
Good luck. Al
I just reread this and the answer was staring me in the face: “I sure have realized that I'm too hard on myself.” Seems a good place to start!
Best wishes,
WIT