What to do when he/she won’t talk to you.
Assuming you want to chat with them.
© Al Turtle 2005
Amazingly this is a very common occurrence, and there is something you can do. I am particularly familiar with this as I am the kind of guy who can talk with someone about intimate subjects for 60 hours, or more, straight. I can drive everyone crazy, and they didn't use to want to talk with me much. (Also check out my papers on Reliable Membership and on the Testicle Principle.)
Rule: People won't talk cuz they don't feel safe to.
This is a pretty simple and very reliable rule. I suggest you learn it. I have found it helps when I want someone to talk to me and they won't. What is typical for me is to try to push them to talk. I had tried thousands of ways, it seemed. My ways never worked. So finally I accepted the idea that "pushing doesn't work." Of course many of my pushing techniques were very tricky and subtle. Still my partner could instantly see, or feel through me and see my pushing. It just didn't work.
Thus my first task is to start to help them feel safe. I have found this is both very difficult and easy. Making anyone feel anything is pretty near impossible. They will feel what they chose to feel, darn them. Still there are lots of things that trigger a sense of safety in a person. And there are lots of things that tend to make a person feel unsafe. Find 'em. Remove 'em.
So let's look at the situation you are in. Someone won't talk to you. Is it that they won't talk to anyone about anything? Or is it that they won't talk to you, personally? These are very different situations, and you have to ask yourself which it is.
If they won't talk to anyone about anything, it may be quite difficult to get them to talk. Somehow they have probably learned to be unsafe with everyone. Could easily be that this comes directly from when they were little. You have to work to overcome that. It's still possible, just difficult and may take a long time with a lot of patience. (Of course, if this is your partner, you picked them. And this problem is part of your personal challenge in life.)
If they won't talk with just you, I think the situation is easier. Here's the thought. You are doing things or have done things, probably lots of things, that tend to make them feel unsafe. You probably don't know what these things are, but these are actions you "can change." What you are doing does not work for you.
Now, remember, what you do is normal for you. You have to identify what those things are that you do, and learn to replace your behaviors with something better – something that works. Sure this can be difficult, but it is your behavior and therefore you can change it. You have this power. (To understand the issues of Safety, click here for many articles.)
Principle #1: Develop and Demonstrate Patience
Probably the first thing you need is to send the message that "you can wait." That means you need to learn patience. Now before you decide that this is hopeless, just remember that patience is a set of skills. Patience is a learned thing. All children are born "impatient." That's normal. It is also normal for us to learn "patience," when we grow up. It is kind of like learning to tie your shoes laces. But some people have not learned patience — YET.
Patience is the habit of comfort when things don't happen at the pace you desire. Easiest way to learn patience is to spend a large amount of time in a slow situation with people who are already very patient. You can learn it by example. Ask others how they learned it. You can also take courses in Meditation, Yoga, and many east Asia disciplines. Practice it.
I still practice intentionally missing traffic lights. If the light is green, I may slow a little. If it turns yellow, I really try to stop. And then I practice enjoying the "tiny vacation" I get while the light is red.
Principle #2: Invite, instead of Push
This is pretty straight forward. Learn to never ask questions. Invite instead. It sounds like this. "I was wondering about something you did the other day. If you ever figure out what was going on for you when you did that, I'd love to hear about it. In the meantime, let's have dinner." Notice how these are all statements with no question mark at the end of them. Many people feel pushed by questions. Just being asked a question often feels like an attack. So, just don't do it. (To understand the issue of Pushing, click here.)
Principle #3: Gently Listen
Wow, is this one valuable! I suggest you show only moderate eagerness when listening, but invite them to say anything they want. Never interrupt. Never add more questions. Just listen and encourage them to say it all. Accept whatever they say. Never, never, never argue. Learn Mirroring so as to help train yourself to relax while listening to anything they say.
Hi Al,
I really need your help. So about a month ago I was at a party and met this wonderful woman (I am 33 and she is 35). We talked all night and ended up making out and spending the night and the day until the afternoon together. We talked all the next week all day everyday and went to a party together that Friday then spent the rest of the weekend together.
The same trend kept occurring the next week until she said she had to cancel our loose plans Friday to play volleyball with friends. I didn’t take this too well and got a little upset, but just explained I was bummed and wanted to see her. The next day we talked a little less and she said something my ex-wife used to say I and I got a little upset and said something a little over the line. She stopped talking to me for four days until I finally got a hold of her. We made up 😉 and talked for three hours until the wee hours of the morning. That next day seemed great like back to the way it was, then she backed off a bit and I sort of blew up her phone.
She said to me the next day she was just really scared I wanted something more serious than her. I said no. We are both still healing from nasty divorces and I just enjoy spending time with you so let just let what happens happens. She agreed.
I should mention that during the week of our make up I had a cancer scare which was in large part causing me to blow up her phone and over communicate. I explained this to her and she seemed to understand. Anyway the next day I sent her a funny text she replied then I asked what she was doing and never heard back from her. Since I have texted her three times and received no response and called once. Including a long text that explained that I apologized for burdening her with my worries about cancer (I am fine by the way) it has been 10 days and I haven’t heard from her.
What do I do? Although I am not in any way capable of serious relationship, I know down to my core this woman is special. How do I get her to open communication back with me? I am desperate!!
Thanks!
Ryan
I think everyone is capable of a serious relationship, Ryan, but many were brought up to be much too casual and irresponsible. And lots of us were brought up to “blow up” when we don’t get what we want. Temper is a bummer of a lesson, habit and skill. We sure can look like bullies and currently that look is in major disfavor among a growing part of our culture. We can all learn to recover from this. Good luck.
I need advice. Me and this guy used to be really great friends. He’s a very quiet person, but we used to talk all the time. He would tell me all the time that he though I was cute, nice butt, and he wished I liked him like that. But he promised me that he wouldn’t let his feelings ruin our friendship. Mean while, he started trying to get with all my friends, and I even helped him in one case. He’s a total man whore.
One night we were texting more than usual, and he kept asking me wierd questions. He asked me if he could be the first person i makeout with. You don’t just ask someone that. I didn’t exactly give him an answer, but he knew how I felt. We planned to meet up at a party. Later, he decided not to go, and i didnt either. That night i went to a Friend’s house. We were in town when he drove by and offered us a ride. They had just came back from the party that he said he wasn’t going to. He gave me and my friend a ride home, along with his pal, and we all needed up hanging out at her house until really late. We got real touchy together… But then the whole night he spent trying to kiss me. The other two helped by getting us alone several times, in the dark. They were all pressuring me to kiss him, but I didn’t want everything to change. And, he’s a total step down, I mean he’s hot, but he’s a man whore, and people finding that out would be totally embarrassing. After he left, he texted me asking me how he’s a man whore. He was insistant on finding out my opinion of him, like it was so important, but it just led to a big fight. We texted all night. He was very rude, but I tried to reason with him, but he took everything I said the wrong way and got his feelings way hurt. I felt bad. The next couple days I got barely three sentences out of him, before he ignored me all together for the next week. When a week had passed, he shot me a text that just said “Hey”. But my friends all said that he was a dooche bag and didn’t know how to treat me and just wanted in my pants and that I was better off not talking to him. And naturally, I was hurt. So I waited a week to text him back, like one of my friends said so I wouldn’t look to eager. I texted him ” Hey sorry I’ve been so busy”. Like I was saying I had forgotten he’d existed, I wanted him to know he wasnt important to me anymore. I haven’t heard from him since.
If the circumstances would have been different, I would be with him now. Not at my friends house, the first time we hangout like that, and not with all that pressure. I just wanted him to prove to me that he was capable of liking one girl for more than a week, me. My friend texted him a while behind my back and told him this stuff, bur he wouldnt have it. And he convinced me he really cared. Hes a jerk, I know. But I can’t get him our of my head. I just want this feeling of him being mad at me to go away.
This must sound really pathetic, but its really bugging me. Please help??
Great story. I work with so many people in their 30s-70s that I don’t often get to chat with people who are back at the beginning of things. Thanks for sharing. Love the terms “man whore” and “douche bag.”
When you find yourself attracted to someone is kind of “sticky” way, i.e. can’t let go of thinking of them, etc.” then it’s possible this guy is a bit of a match for you. Why would you be attracted to someone who others call a “man whore” or a “douche”? You would and you are. So why? That’s about you not about him. Somewhere you’ve seen this kind of person or dreamed of this kind of person before. And he may be quite a “fixer upper.”
Anyway, besides from having all this stuff on my website that you can read for free, what do you think I can do to help?
Thank you.
And I don’t know.. I just thought maybe you could tell me if you think I should try fixing things with him or just ignore the situation and hope he comes to me.
Never ignore the sitch. Work to fix it. But don’t push.
Hey Al I broke up with my girlfriend about 5 months ago because she was always talking to this guy. I took the whole deal pretty rough and acted poorly. Any ideas on how I can get her to talk to me. I texted her today and reminded her of a time we had on the river and then asked her if we could be friends but I’ve gotten no response what do you think I can do?
Been 5 months, huh. Doesn’t seem to me there was a lot of energy of attraction between you two. All you can do is try, and of course learn from this. Lots of stuff here to read. Map of Relationships might be useful. Good luck.
can u help me I meet this girl that I have liked for 3 years I did something stupid and now she hates my guts I whant to talk about it but she whont talk to me on fb or face to face and if I send her a mesig she tells the teacher and the teatcher says I cant speck to her but thirs a feeling that I need to talk I just whan to be frends please help thanks
Darn, Kacey, life is like that. I used to say, “Do it! You’ll either have a nice day or… learn something. Either way you benefit.”
We all grow by making mistakes. And I think “stupid” is a word I use for something “I did” but now I am learning not to do again. Go for it.
Hi Al,
It has been a while since I wrote here. I did not want to leave this thread open-ended, so I wrote some below(hopefully not that off-topic)
My Ex has been keeping NC since September, when I got only one reply from her, saying she is over me. After that, total silence. I guess, some people can fall out-of-love in less than 2 months, after 4 years.
Someone told me that I should speak less and do more. Which felt right. So I enlisted for a masters at a school close to hers. This way, maybe it would be easier to get some answers.
Unfortunately, my life kept spiralling down. By the end of August, my job contract was terminated. My focus was gone and that skill was essential to my job – so I had to go.
In September I crashed my car, but I was ok and nobody got hurt. I bought a bike after that and for a month, things were steady, I have been doing alot of book reading, yoga, meditation and started to study for the masters admission exam.
Last week of November, I was preparing for the exam day. That week, while I was coming home by bike, a careless driver opened his car door in front of me and I had a very bad fall. The doctors at the ER did their best, I had legs surgery , but
my left hip was compromised.
That’s it. If it was hard when she left, now I am trying to cope with all of the above. It is not a happy ending for my story, but I am still alive, which makes me happy.
I wish my feelings could settle a bit, but no luck so far. I miss her so much. And…. I am so lost, I even lost my word to describe the feelings.
I hope all you guys/girls having problems right now, to have a speedy resolve, and to your heart liking. The Turtle way.
Gack, Liviu. That all sounds terrible. “Never rains but it pours.” comes to mind. Please take good/better care of yourself. Anything I can do?
Hi Al. Your essays were enough help; more than others(closer to me) could do for me.
I did get jumpstarted on a closer path to my true self, and I think that is the only win in this battle.
My life buoyes have always been external. Right now I just do not know what is good for me. I await that moment in life when I make that split-second decision and move on. But it needs to flare more than a spark to get me out of my self-dug pitfall. It has happened once before, maybe it will happen again.
My decisions were seldom rash, but felt correct. As long as I would have communicated my plan, all resistance from outside would have been diminished. I realized I gave up my spontaneus part of life to a plan making one. I did this because I wanted that girl to feel safe, and have it all. And she did! And it felt so booring and dull. Then, I turned Blind!(your first notice).
I belive I have to return to the ways before this girl had an impact on me, and stick to my true path.
But before I let another person in, I have to secure my social position, as I depend on a system now (more than before), for making me a healthy functional individual. Rough times ahead, and hope is all I have.
Glad you are moving along. Sometimes that’s all you can do. Your piece reminded me of the first stanzas of one of my favorite poems.
In a Dark Time
BY THEODORE ROETHKE
In a dark time, the eye begins to see,
I meet my shadow in the deepening shade;
I hear my echo in the echoing wood—
A lord of nature weeping to a tree.
I live between the heron and the wren,
Beasts of the hill and serpents of the den.
What’s madness but nobility of soul
At odds with circumstance? The day’s on fire!
I know the purity of pure despair,
My shadow pinned against a sweating wall.
That place among the rocks—is it a cave,
Or winding path? The edge is what I have.