Which Essays are Popular? (Updated April 8, 2018)

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A bend in the trail of life, and on the way up to Scenic Point, Two Medicine, Glacier Park, Montana. "Heading up, at times you gotta switch directions."

Hello, All.

It’s spring, 2018.  I am mostly retired, have hit 76, and yet still I am playing “WHAT ARE THEY READING?”  Instead of writing a book*, I decided to make my “notes” available, via Internet, to anybody.  And instead of marketing, I have used word-of-mouth or touch-of-keyboard to spread awareness.  I have posted 190 articles in over eight years since March 2005.  In the past four years since June of 2012, when I moved my site to WordPress, they’ve been downloaded 1,039,000 times.  Gee!

Top Reads

The top read articles seem to be becoming a fairly steady set. At the “top” are now two articles.  One is that article on What to do when he/she leaves.  I imagine that three months 3,452 hurting people came here, while their partners, 3,452 also hurting people, were elsewhere.  But a new article has reached beyond it, What to do when he/she won’t talk to you.   Seems to me that people are beginning to be more accurate and sensitive to what is going wrong.    Thanks to all of  you

Summary Thoughts

While I’ve been sharing and watching what people do with my writings I have come to certain simple conclusions.

  • He/she leaves you cuz the relationship you have with them “sucks” – for them.  And it has probably been “sucky” for some time.  If it takes someone leaving to get your attention, so be it.  Get to work and learn quickly.  Fix it.
  • Do not rush your partner.  Do not let your partner rush you.  Develop a pace in talking and doing that is easy for both of you. Make sure you develop easy skills of being together and being apart.
  • The partner who seems to drag their feet is the one who sets the pace of growth in the relationship.  You two can’t move faster than the slower one’s pace.  But you absolutely also need the pressure and impatience of the faster one, to keep things moving.  Both are important. 
  • If you don’t learn how a) to PreValidate and Validate, b) remove MasterTalk,  and c) learn the verbal sharing skills taught quickly by Mirroring then you are probably “screwed”.
  • Use skills that build safety and get rid of all habits that threaten each other.
  • Express feelings often and always safely.
  • Take turns being appropriately selfish.
  • Learn to like your views/beliefs and make plenty of room for others to disagree.

Of Interest

Stuff I do.  There is a series of interviews by Laura LaVigne, eight 1-hour visits with me, all downloadable in MP3.  I’ve taught several classes for her during the last few years, and put all my colorful handouts here.  Sprinkled throughout are other MP3 downloadable audio files that you can buy, drop onto your IPod/Ipad or a CD and listen in your car.  Also you can find me on Facebook.   I do consult with people by phone.



Discussion Website

I have spent much time online in one of the many communities that have sprung up to share thoughts and struggles about relationships.  I congratulate them all, but have found a current home at Marriage Advocates.  If you want to see many new comments of mine on familiar topics, check them out.  Also, I encourage those of you, who are really grasping what I write, to consider sharing what you have learned and to work with others.

Ranking of Articles

The following is the ranking of my top articles in the last three months thru April 8th, 2018.  Thanks to all of you for reading, learning something, for sharing it with others, and for referring people here.  I hope what I have shared is helpful to you. If it has been, you might let me know.  If you want me to focus new writing on some area, please let me know.  I have a list. Also I may use your priorities to re-write or expand some of my more popular articles. Drop me an email at al@alturtle.com.

Last Quarter til  4/8/18  
Count Title Views
1 What to do when he/she won’t talk to you. 4,739
2 What to do when He/She Leaves? 3,452
3 Home page / Archives 3,445
4 Feelings and Emotions: The Essay, Part One 1,299
5 Feeling Words 688
6 Reliable Membership: The Essay 533
7 When to Fold ’Em? 524
8 Safety and The Lizard: The Essay 417
9 Map of Relationships: listen to or read the whole story 377
10 Getting an Answer: When He/She Won’t Make a Decision 274
11 “Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves” 253
12 Boundaries for Individuals: The Essay 245
13 Using Al Turtle Logic on Relationship Troubles 219
14 MASTER/SLAVE, Two World Problem: The Essay 219
15 Feelings and Emotions: The Essay, Part Four, Appropriate Expression 199
16 Where do you start? What goes first? 192
17 Validation: The Skill and the Art 178
18 The Road to Empathy: The Essay 175
19 Mirroring: The Skill 167
20 The Power of Passivity: The Essay 159
21 Feelings and Emotions: The Essay, Part Two (FEAR, ANGER, GRIEF, JOY) 159
22 Vintage Love: What does it look like? 158
23 Boundaries for Couples: The Essay 153
24 Resentments: Getting Rid of Them 152
25 It is Not Fair! The Testicle Principle 151
26 Getting to Work 143
27 How to Use this Website 134
28 Map of Relationships (Full Version Script) Part III 119
29 The Gentle Art of Pulling 118
30 Diversity and PreValidation: The Essay 113
31 Where are you? What type of Relationship do you Have? Right now! 96
32 About Us 96
33 Map of Relationships (Full Version Script) Part IV 90
34 Healing Frustrations: The Essay 89
35 Behavior Change Requests (BCRs) 88
36 Peace Building: The Essay 88
37 Combating Loneliness 86
38 One Liners that have helped me stay Dialogical 85
39 Which Essays are Popular? (Updated August 4, 2017) 84
40 Map of Relationships (Full Version Script) Part VI 80
41 Find Mr. Right or Ms. Right 75
42 TimeOuts: The Skill 74
43 Earn it or Spend it: Interpersonal Capital 73
44 An Interview Series 71
45 The Biological Dream: An Excerpt 70
46 Map of Relationships (Full Version Script) Part V 69
47 Guilt, Fault, and Who is to Blame 67
48 Restructuring Frustration: The Process 66
49 Caring Days: The Skill 65
50 Map of Relationships (Full Version Script) Part II 63





Which Essays are Popular? (Updated April 8, 2018) — 7 Comments

  1. Hey, Al!  I found your website through eNotAlone, where numerous folks recommended your writings.  I experienced my first break-up earlier this year, and I wandered, lost and confused, for a long time.
    Your work has really opened my eyes (particularly the Safety and the Lizard and Clingers/Avoiders essays) to a lot of the mistakes I made in the relationship.  Now that I have a better understanding of why my former partner and I did the things we did, I am beginning to let go of my hurt and resentment.
    I want to say "thank you" for the very positive impact you have made on my life.  I look forward to reading more of your writings and continuing to grow!

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