Which Essays are Popular? (Updated August 4, 2017)

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A bend in the trail of life, and on the way up to Scenic Point, Two Medicine, Glacier Park, Montana. "Heading up, at times you gotta switch directions."

Hello, All.

It’s mid summer, 2017.  I am mostly retired, have hit 75, and yet still I am playing “WHAT ARE THEY READING?”  Instead of writing a book*, I decided to make my “notes” available, via Internet, to anybody.  And instead of marketing, I have used word-of-mouth or touch-of-keyboard to spread awareness.  I have posted 190 articles in over eight years since March 2005.  In the past four years since June of 2012, when I moved my site to WordPress, they’ve been downloaded 966,236 times.

Top Reads

The top read articles seem to be becoming a fairly steady set.  The very “top of the top” is that article on What to do when he/she leaves.  I imagine that three months 5,344 hurting people came here, while their partners, 5,344 also hurting people, were elsewhere.     Thanks to all of  you

Summary Thoughts

While I’ve been sharing and watching what people do with my writings I have come to certain simple conclusions.

  • He/she leaves you cuz the relationship you have with them “sucks” – for them.  And it has probably been “sucky” for some time.  If it takes someone leaving to get your attention, so be it.  Get to work and learn quickly.  Fix it.
  • Do not rush your partner.  Do not let your partner rush you.  Develop a pace in talking and doing that is easy for both of you. Make sure you develop easy skills of being together and being apart.
  • The partner who seems to drag their feet is the one who sets the pace of growth in the relationship.  You two can’t move faster than the slower one’s pace.  But you absolutely also need the pressure and impatience of the faster one, to keep things moving.  Both are important. 
  • If you don’t learn how a) to PreValidate and Validate, b) remove MasterTalk,  and c) learn the verbal sharing skills taught quickly by Mirroring then you are probably “screwed”.
  • Use skills that build safety and get rid of all habits that threaten each other.
  • Express feelings often and always safely.
  • Take turns being appropriately selfish.
  • Learn to like your views/beliefs and make plenty of room for others to disagree.

Of Interest

Stuff I do.  There is a series of interviews by Laura LaVigne, eight 1-hour visits with me, all downloadable in MP3.  I’ve taught several classes for her during the last few years, and put all my colorful handouts here.  Sprinkled throughout are other MP3 downloadable audio files that you can buy, drop onto your IPod/Ipad or a CD and listen in your car.  Also you can find me on Facebook.   I do consult with people by phone.



Discussion Website

I have spent much time online in one of the many communities that have sprung up to share thoughts and struggles about relationships.  I congratulate them all, but have found a current home at Marriage Advocates.  If you want to see many new comments of mine on familiar topics, check them out.  Also, I encourage those of you, who are really grasping what I write, to consider sharing what you have learned and to work with others.

Ranking of Articles

The following is the ranking of my top articles in the last three months thru August 4, 2017. Thanks to all of you for reading, learning something, for sharing it with others, and for referring people here.  I hope what I have shared is helpful to you. If it has been, you might let me know.  If you want me to focus new writing on some area, please let me know.  I have a list. Also I may use your priorities to re-write or expand some of my more popular articles. Drop me an email at al@alturtle.com.

2017-05-06 to Today

 Last Quarter    
Title Views
What to do when he/she won’t talk to you. 5,344
What to do when He/She Leaves? 4,703
Feelings and Emotions: The Essay, Part One 1,585
Reliable Membership: The Essay 649
When to Fold ’Em? 590
Map of Relationships: listen to or read the whole story 439
Safety and The Lizard: The Essay 382
Getting an Answer: When He/She Won’t Make a Decision 360
Feeling Words 306
“Out of the Blue” means “Read the Tea Leaves” 288
Using Al Turtle Logic on Relationship Troubles 285
Boundaries for Individuals: The Essay 281
MASTER/SLAVE, Two World Problem: The Essay 231
Mirroring: The Skill 208
Where do you start? What goes first? 196
Feelings and Emotions: The Essay, Part Four, Appropriate Expression 190
The Power of Passivity: The Essay 189
Feelings and Emotions: The Essay, Part Two (FEAR, ANGER, GRIEF, JOY) 179
Getting to Work 165
Resentments: Getting Rid of Them 153
The Road to Empathy: The Essay 152
The Gentle Art of Pulling 146
It is Not Fair! The Testicle Principle 143
It only takes ONE to make a marriage, but TWO to make a divorce. 140
How to Use this Website 139
To be Safe You Must Share 117
Validation: The Skill and the Art 115
Boundaries for Couples: The Essay 114
Healing Frustrations: The Essay 110
Vintage Love: What does it look like? 109
About Us 104
Map of Relationships (Full Version Script) Part III 103
Where are you? What type of Relationship do you Have? Right now! 102
How to Chat with Al 98
Diversity and PreValidation: The Essay 97
Combating Loneliness 93
Guilt, Fault, and Who is to Blame 88
Which Essays are Popular? (Updated December 4, 2016) 86
“Pulling Back, Not Pushing, yet Wanting to Talk.” 84
Peace Building: The Essay 80
The Biological Dream: An Excerpt 76
Map of Relationships (Full Version Script) Part VI 76
Some Days are Tough! 73
One Liners that have helped me stay Dialogical 69
Feelings and Emotions: The Essay, Part Three, Energetics, The Flow of Feelings & Depression 68
Map of Relationships (Full Version Script) Part IV 65
Caring Days: The Skill 62
Map of Relationships (Full Version Script) Part V 62
TimeOuts: The Skill 60
Using the Lizard Image 60
Stop the Divorce 60
Caring Behaviors 60
“Tortoise Trainer” by Osman Hamdi Bei 59
Behavior Change Requests (BCRs) 59
Earn it or Spend it: Interpersonal Capital 56
Noticing the Lizard in yourself and others. 54



Which Essays are Popular? (Updated August 4, 2017) — 7 Comments

  1. Hey, Al!  I found your website through eNotAlone, where numerous folks recommended your writings.  I experienced my first break-up earlier this year, and I wandered, lost and confused, for a long time.
    Your work has really opened my eyes (particularly the Safety and the Lizard and Clingers/Avoiders essays) to a lot of the mistakes I made in the relationship.  Now that I have a better understanding of why my former partner and I did the things we did, I am beginning to let go of my hurt and resentment.
    I want to say "thank you" for the very positive impact you have made on my life.  I look forward to reading more of your writings and continuing to grow!

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