When to Fold ’Em?
Lots of people have asked me this over the past year. “If my partner is moving away, is leaving me, when should I give up? How do I make that decision?” I did write one article on how to get ‘em to make a decision about joining you in a relationship. This article is based on the same principle involving a person who maybe acting passively at a time when you want some decision. And remember this is all based on your continued wish to reconnect.
The decision you want is a) that your partner decides to come back toward you or b) that you reasonably get to stop waiting for them.
Here is the setup. They have moved out, either physically or emotionally or both. Their actions have led you to understand that the previous relationship you had with them somehow “sucked” – enough for them to leave. So now you don’t want the old relationship back, but do want to make a new and better relationship with them. You have read my article on What to do when he/she leaves and are trying to follow the four steps.
So the question is, “How long do you wait?” The current wisdom out on the internet seems to be to not contact them at all. I do not think that a wise course. No contact may make them become aware of their “loneliness,” but also may communicate that you don’t care – that you want them to go away.
So here is my suggestion. Modify this as you chose. In its pure form it takes 5 months.
- Establish a contact channel: email, or cards are ideal. It should be cheap and easily permit the sending of a very limited amount of information. I find text messaging is not very suited to this, nor is voice mail, but you choose. You want them to receive your contact and have perfect freedom about what they do with it: read it, trash it, etc.
- Plan a message that you are going to send. You may have to send as many as 10, so make this simple. The message should contain a “greeting,” an optional bit of news, a clue to your work on yourself, a gentle invitation for more contact.
- The greeting can be nothing more complex than “Hi,” or “Dear Mike,” etc. Keep this light.
- Optional newsy bit is just something like “It’s raining hard,” “The lilacs are out,” “Broke my leg the other day. Doing ok, tho.” Don’t mention anything awful that they might feel obliged to fix. Don’t ever say, “I’m miserable without you,” or the like.
- The clue to your work on yourself is part of my instruction to “3: Work on yourself visibly.” This should be different in each note, and I think these should be pretty abstract. You want your partner to be curious for more. Some examples are, “Seeing my counselor weekly and I am sure learning a lot,” “Wow am I learning about how pushy I used to be.” “Boy, I am getting it that I have been asleep for years.” Etc. Anything you are learning that might involve some subject of their past “complaints” might be good. An example could be that if they complained about your temper, you say, “I am working really hard on getting rid of my anger. I realized it’s been a problem to me for years.”
- Lastly you include a gentle invitation (not a push) to more contact. “Love to hear from you any time you feel like it,” “It’d be fun to hear your voice.” “If you ever feel like contacting me, feel free.” (I strongly suggest you don’t ask questions. None, if you can. Just gentle invitations.)
- Then sign it, bluntly or not at all. “Dave,” “Yours,” etc. Do not say, “Your most obedient and humble servant, begging for your orders, please, please.”
- Send one message only, once a week for one month. (4 messages) Send one message, once every other week for two months. (4 messages) Send one message, once a month for two months. (2 messages) STOP.
That’s it.
If at any time he/she re-contacts you, follow my rule #4 and respond minimally. Oh, if their contact is neutral or simply newsy, read it and ignore it. The contact you are looking for is some request to connect to you coming from them. Example: if they say, “Life is crazy here,” you might feel an impulse to write back something like, “What’s going on?” Don’t do it! It’s a trap. If they say, “Tell me more about what you are learning,” that’s a move to reconnect. Respond minimally to that. Wait for them to be explicit.
Do not be surprised too much if he/she contacts you after the five months of this process. Your partner is leaving that period with a memory of your wanting them, but not pushing. That, I think, is the best you can do.
Good luck.
Hi Al. I’ve been reading your site on and off for a couple months now. My bf broke up with me in May. I believe I have already made mistakes as far as pushing.Another piece of info, we do work at the same company.
Unfortunately he did tell me last week that he didn’t want to hear from me. I’m taking this as I have been defeated. Should I try for the email messages? Or just let it go? I do care for him a lot. I do love him and this is my last resort.
Any advice would be helpful.
Amy take his word when a man says he doesn’t want you calling him He MEANS it…
Well he said a lot of things after that so I was taking the chance that he might calm down. I was going to do the emails to see if it would make a breakthrough. I don’t text him. He had contacted me initially and it wasn’t to tell me that. I just thought I’d try.
I disagree leave him alone he may be going through some things and needs space. The more you focus and bother him he will pull away even more..get busy doing you stop acting desperate..let him come to you…
Hello Amy, my experience is different than Bonnie’s. When a man speaks, who knows what’s going to happen.
This is particularly true if he’s an Avoider, at the time. (All this works for women just as well as men.) I think it is best to pay attention to his words, make sure he knows you’ve heard him – doesn’t mean you believe him. Then look inside yourself to get in contact with what you want to happen. Then work toward that goal. If you want him in your life, go for it. You may want to find what you may have done, what habits you may have, that tend to drive him away — and get rid of those habits. If you want him, follow those rules about not pushing and focus on your stuff.
Hi Al. Just wanted to let you know 5 days after I left this first comment and some other events he came back to me. I was shocked but so happy. We are working through things and I myself am working on my life with him and apart from him.
I’m the clinger so I really have to calm myself at times. He is going through stuff at work (we work together btw) and he gets upset and then gets quiet. It drives me crazy at times because I need to talk things out.
Anyways it’s not perfect but it’s workable. 🙂 I was over the moon when we talked and he said he loves me and wants me back. As mushy as it sounds I truely believe we are for each other.
Keep a going, Amy. Us clingers have to learn to relax our Lizards. But the target is worth it. Good luck.
Hi Al,
I recently found out that my husband of 1 1/2 years (boyfriend for 9) had cheated on his ex with me 10 years ago. In fact there was an overlap for a few months where he was two timing us. In these past ten years, he has had few “slip ups” including sexting his ex last year. But every time, he has shown remorse and begged me to take him back. And because, he is a very caring person otherwise, I always did. Now, he has fallen “in love” with a colleague and is demanding a divorce. We have no children yet (thanking god for that). I STILL want to save this marriage, if it’s worth giving a shot. How do you I deal with a serial cheating spouse who wants to leave?
Tough on, Vasha, A guy who cheats like that (or a gal who cheats like that) is probably into severe habits of lying and deceiving others. The cheating is probably about 2% of the problem. Something has to happen so that this guy decides to change radically. Don’t know what that would be. All you can do with him is stand a good distance back and wait.
On the other hand, you picked a guy who cheats after being his friend for many years. Apparently you didn’t expect this discovery. You have to think about how you are so “blind” or “gullible” to not know and how you got that way and what can you do to become more reliably aware for your own sake. Otherwise, I fear, you may let this “serial cheating spouse” leave and then go find another one. You might consider yourself to have a bit of an “addiction” to “serial cheating spouses”. Need to fix that, me thinks. Get help. Good luck.
Hello. I’m so glad I found your page. My son’s father left 3 days ago.
He said he wanted to be single, Alone, and notanswer to anyone.
He said he doesn’t know if he’ll ever come back. How do I apply this when their is a toddler in the picture?
I’m so heart broken and all I want is for him to come back to us.
Ouch, Stephanie, Bad situation. Reminds me of the Mayan phrase I heard once, “Anyone can have a child, but to raise ’em .. that’s a lot of work.” Sorry to hear about it. He, of course, makes sense, and so do you. I can guess about that all day. Maybe you’d better tell me more of what’s going on.
I guess I just don’t know how to stop him continuing in his new relationship. I don’t know how to compete with all the positive chemicals he is feeling. Do I have to wait at least a year before all those infatuation chemicals wear off before I can even begin the process above? Do I still sign off my messages with “love” “yours” etc? I’m afraid it’ll seem like I’m trying to take her away from him rather than simply showing him my love, which will push him away even further.
Tis almost impossible to compete with a dream. First part of a relationship (see the Map) is always rooted in a special kind of blindness. Fortunately (or some may think unfortunately) the dream (chemicals) wears off – sometimes quickly sometimes slowly. But I believe it always wears off. Just a matter of time. At that point you will be in a much more favorable position to appear a competitive choice to him. If you are clearly showing signs of working on yourself, you may even look like a better choice than someone who probably won’t be working on themselves.
Anyway that is the best I can offer.
Thank you. Tis what I figured. Very scary. Wish I woke up sooner. I’ll keep workin on myself. I appreciate your advice.
Hi al
What should one do when the person that left wants to stay in touch On a regular basis. She wants to come see me from time to time. Should I put distance between us? If so how do I do it with out making her feel like I’ve given up hope. I told her that I would not call much if any but that she may do so as much as she wants. I said that because she is the one that left that it would be up to her to decied if she wants to try again. I told her that I am willing to give it time but eventually that time will run out. and that I will continue to work on myself and that I will not be alone forever and I would find someone else even tho she is the one I want. But I really don’t know what to on the whole communication and visitation thing. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated thankyou for your help and this site it has been a life line for me and others I’m sure in what could only be described as the worst time of my life so thankyou again.
Hi Daniel, Actually this sounds pretty great, even if it feels like the “worst time.” My guess is that your relationship is not over, but is in that shaft going down to the Divorce Door #3. (Refer to my Map of Relationship.) To get to Vintage Love you just (easy for me to say, “just”) have to reverse the direction, stop the momentum going down, and move toward the University of Life, Door #1.
The logic I would use is that she’s lost hope in your changing, but hasn’t quite given up. So you get to work changing and prove and show it to her. Put the things she has complained about toward the top of your ” changes to be made” list, but do not slip into Master-Slave and become her Slave. Go for Friend-Friend.
And Lead the way. It takes one to make a Marriage might be useful in your situation.
So we talk every day and things seen to be going ok. But anytime I mention us as a couple she doesn’t want to talk about it. I tell her that I don’t want things like they where before I want them to be better. She tells me that she wants her friend back but that’s it nothing else that we don’t have a relationship and she doesn’t want one. But I find it very hard to do the whole just friends thing. I have my break down moments and when I talk to her it’s like speaking with a robot and she says she feels numb. The lack of her emotions only makes it harder on me. O well Ill keep trying.
Dear Daniel, As you get closer to a partner, things often become more clear and focus. At this point you seem to be witnessing her reaction against the idea of a “relationship”, but open to a “friendship.” Coupled with your wish for something much stronger than a “friendship.” This reminds me of completely normal Clinger-Avoider dynamics. She’s come to see a “relationship” and “commitment” as a kind of trap or jail cell. So she flees it. Maybe she’s seen this kind of relationship before.
So build a friendship in which there are no signs for her of trapping or expectations. In this you give her all the “space” and “freedom” she needs. I had to learn to do this, too. Somehow her fear is both wise and real, I think.