When to Fold ’Em?
Lots of people have asked me this over the past year. “If my partner is moving away, is leaving me, when should I give up? How do I make that decision?” I did write one article on how to get ‘em to make a decision about joining you in a relationship. This article is based on the same principle involving a person who maybe acting passively at a time when you want some decision. And remember this is all based on your continued wish to reconnect.
The decision you want is a) that your partner decides to come back toward you or b) that you reasonably get to stop waiting for them.
Here is the setup. They have moved out, either physically or emotionally or both. Their actions have led you to understand that the previous relationship you had with them somehow “sucked” – enough for them to leave. So now you don’t want the old relationship back, but do want to make a new and better relationship with them. You have read my article on What to do when he/she leaves and are trying to follow the four steps.
So the question is, “How long do you wait?” The current wisdom out on the internet seems to be to not contact them at all. I do not think that a wise course. No contact may make them become aware of their “loneliness,” but also may communicate that you don’t care – that you want them to go away.
So here is my suggestion. Modify this as you chose. In its pure form it takes 5 months.
- Establish a contact channel: email, or cards are ideal. It should be cheap and easily permit the sending of a very limited amount of information. I find text messaging is not very suited to this, nor is voice mail, but you choose. You want them to receive your contact and have perfect freedom about what they do with it: read it, trash it, etc.
- Plan a message that you are going to send. You may have to send as many as 10, so make this simple. The message should contain a “greeting,” an optional bit of news, a clue to your work on yourself, a gentle invitation for more contact.
- The greeting can be nothing more complex than “Hi,” or “Dear Mike,” etc. Keep this light.
- Optional newsy bit is just something like “It’s raining hard,” “The lilacs are out,” “Broke my leg the other day. Doing ok, tho.” Don’t mention anything awful that they might feel obliged to fix. Don’t ever say, “I’m miserable without you,” or the like.
- The clue to your work on yourself is part of my instruction to “3: Work on yourself visibly.” This should be different in each note, and I think these should be pretty abstract. You want your partner to be curious for more. Some examples are, “Seeing my counselor weekly and I am sure learning a lot,” “Wow am I learning about how pushy I used to be.” “Boy, I am getting it that I have been asleep for years.” Etc. Anything you are learning that might involve some subject of their past “complaints” might be good. An example could be that if they complained about your temper, you say, “I am working really hard on getting rid of my anger. I realized it’s been a problem to me for years.”
- Lastly you include a gentle invitation (not a push) to more contact. “Love to hear from you any time you feel like it,” “It’d be fun to hear your voice.” “If you ever feel like contacting me, feel free.” (I strongly suggest you don’t ask questions. None, if you can. Just gentle invitations.)
- Then sign it, bluntly or not at all. “Dave,” “Yours,” etc. Do not say, “Your most obedient and humble servant, begging for your orders, please, please.”
- Send one message only, once a week for one month. (4 messages) Send one message, once every other week for two months. (4 messages) Send one message, once a month for two months. (2 messages) STOP.
That’s it.
If at any time he/she re-contacts you, follow my rule #4 and respond minimally. Oh, if their contact is neutral or simply newsy, read it and ignore it. The contact you are looking for is some request to connect to you coming from them. Example: if they say, “Life is crazy here,” you might feel an impulse to write back something like, “What’s going on?” Don’t do it! It’s a trap. If they say, “Tell me more about what you are learning,” that’s a move to reconnect. Respond minimally to that. Wait for them to be explicit.
Do not be surprised too much if he/she contacts you after the five months of this process. Your partner is leaving that period with a memory of your wanting them, but not pushing. That, I think, is the best you can do.
Good luck.
I’m 26 and my ex is 21. We were engaged and things seemed to be good. I had a problem with compassion and understanding and it eventually became a huge issue. She tried leaving but I fought so hard and learned a little bit. She said things would be fine since she told me I relit her spark. Than she got in some trouble and I was upset but decided I still wanted to be with her. Shortly after I caught her lying got angry and told her we were done, but she said she understood and that she does still love me wants to be with me and that she could change. I love her so much I told her she would need to follow some rules and to think about whether she wants to be with me or just party. Later we talked and she decided she wanted to party. And just hours later she was in another relationship. I know not very compassionate I’m controlling and I keep pursuing and pushing her and I know she’s stressed. I hope she’s just upset and it will hit that she wants me back, but I’m scared. I love her with all my heart and no matter what I don’t want to lose her. Please someone help I can’t lose this girl, please help me fix this.
Hello Al,
I’ve been devouring your articles and am hoping for advice with communication. My husband left our family abruptly 15 months ago. We’ve been married for 23 years and have 2 teens. We hardly spoke at all for the first 6 months while he was in another relationship. That ended and I realize now that through my efforts to heal our marriage, I’ve been pushing… we went to a few therapy sessions together, I’ve encouraged him to go on his own, I would ask if he went… all pressure moves. The therapy did reveal a lot of deep issues with his childhood and with him on personal level. I’ve made many many changes that he’s noticed and has been very complimentary on. My dynamic with our kids is 100% different and the stressful home he left is now calm, peaceful and loving, while he has had difficulty repairing his relationship with the kids and accepts the martyr role. He says he’s glad he left because we’ve all changed so much and we seem happier now. We don’t have many talks about our relationship, mainly because they always end up with him saying he doesn’t know what he wants. He cries during our talks, but the tears are always related to the kids and he’s never expressed being sorry he’s not at home anymore or for the pain our family has endured. I try to just validate his emotions and support his rebuilding efforts with our kids.
Regarding communication, it’s difficult to put your suggestions into practice with a long marriage and family. I have recently stopped reaching out to him. I respond in a positive manner when he texts me or when I see him when he rarely sees the kids. But his reaching seems to be surface ‘just checking in’ messages, never a meaningful attempt to reconnect. Like last night he sends a ‘how was your weekend?’ after not speaking with him for a week. I give a happy, short reply and ask how his was. He says good. End of discussion. I don’t want to be his ‘friend’. I want to restore our marriage. But my no-pressure ‘friendly’ replies to his casual texts makes me wonder if I’ll be stuck here forever. I strongly feel if I break all communication he will fall on the sword per se, and our relationship will truly be over. And on the other hand, if I initiate contact, it is seen as pressure and seems to push him away. He’s expressed a desire to get help and ‘figure out where his head is at’ but I don’t know or see the results of any follow through. He says that I’ve had a year head start on him with my changes and he’s just beginning.
What is my communication strategy during this time? Any advice is truly appreciated!
Brandy, this is a very “good” and “familiar” situation. I’ve been there, I think. Tis all about working with what sounds like a very normal “avoider” while you are using very normal “clinger” logic on him. Doesn’t work. It’s actually a good situation for you, I think. Much easier for you to be the Clinger. All you have to do (easy to say, I know), is to develop a more and more full awareness of his logic about communicating and then participate in it.
a) give him slightly more space than he needs/wants
b) communicate with him using the mirroring and validation. Become brilliant, over time, at both so that he doesn’t notice you are doing that – i.e. it doesn’t bother him.
c) participate with him in developing “his story”. Over time he will learn to answer your curiosities, but that’s a long way off.
d) learn to chat without ever asking questions.
We could chat on the phone about this, if you want. Would probably be faster.
Hello Al,
I need some help here on my relationship. I was with my ex for 5 years. We had ups and downs but we managed to get through it. She called it off last year telling me that she cheated and she doesn’t feel the same anymore and that she wants to be single. She told me that she doesn’t believe in this “love” thing anymore saying that its just chemicals. After a couple of months staying low and trying to reconnect she still gives me a similar answer. Then as soon as i got to the same school as her, i made contact with her. We then made plans to the movies with her friend. After that we got drunk but then i sobered up and drove her home. While driving her home (she was still drunk), i asked if you ever thought about me or us. She honestly told me no and that she doesn’t think of the past nor future. She also said something that confused me which was she “deserved this”, I don’t know what that means but i think it may be her cheating on me before she called it quits. I still love her and want us to try again. she was everything i knew. But Al i just don’t know how to go from here. I asked her if she wanted to not see me anymore and she said that it should not be that way. She still wants to be friends. What should i do? I love her company and i always want to be there for her. Should i just be her friend for now and then create new memories with her so that maybe down the road she’ll catch feelings for me again? i don’t want to give up. All of the time and effort we done together are irreplaceable and i just don’t see myself with anyone else.
Hey Al,
I’ve written a bit on your other posts, but here’s where I’m at.
I sent her my first email. Followed your formula. Signed it with “No need to respond, but it’s always good to hear how you’re doing.”
She sent me an email back hoping I’m well but that it’s best for her if we don’t catch up anymore.
So… how can you move forward from that? I can’t send her anymore emails. So is that just it? Fold ’em?
Edit: She actually said “it’s best for me if we don’t catch up at this point, but I do hope you are doing well.”
I don’t want to email her again next week after she already told me not to catch up at this point. So how do I proceed?
If I hear this rightly, she’s got something going on and doesn’t want to be “bothered” by much connection with you. Just cuz she say that doesn’t want it, does not mean you don’t try to connect. I think it does suggest you keep it low until she gives you some idea of what is going on. Maybe a note once every three weeks, that doesn’t say more than, “I’m here. Thinking of you.”
Hi Al,
It has come to my attention that my ex has a new man in her life. Obviously this is not what I want, but I want her to be happy. I intend to keep learning, and hopefully I can continue to learn to make her feel safer around me (even though she is with this new guy). Should I continue to wait longer before I move on?
Brendan
It can make the pain more real, but really only just complicates things a bit. What should you do? Depends on what you want to have happen. If you want her to be your partner, you still have the same path ahead. New relationships go wrong frequently. You want to be an improved version of you when (and if) she looks your way. Of course I would not wait for ever. Start looking for someone new in …. oh, five months. In the meantime and even later, be ready for her to surface. Just a thought.
Thank You Al,
This is what I thought you would say having read and listened to so much of your material. In part I need to know that I am not being a crazy by holding on and learning. I saw her at the gym again tonight, i just said hello and then carried on about my work out. Actually I have learned that it soothes my lizard, when I am trying to nurture her lizard. I repeated to my self – I am choosing to nurture.
I sure as heck am hoping this imago image stuff works for me and her 🙂 I have ordered Harvilles books on the internet.
Once again thank you for your time in answering my cry for help.
Brendan