HomeMain PageRelationshipsSkillsSafety and TrustLizard Chats: Seeing as our little friend sees it.


Lizard Chats: Seeing as our little friend sees it. — 1 Comment

  1. I was thinking of your response last night and reflected on it a lot. I woke up this morning with what I thought was the answer. As I was driving to work, I thought to myself that I have been in a very bad relationship 20 years ago, in which there was lots of abuse (physical, verbal, financial, emotional, and more) from my boyfriend at the time toward me. Whenever I see my present partner doing or saying or reacting to me in ways that consciously or unconsciously reminds me of him, panics sets in, and I want to flee, fight, submit or freeze and most of the time the 4 of them one after the other in different order. My Lizard works full strength in those occasions and won’t calm down, of course! So is my partner’s Lizard as it keeps seeing his past relationship which for him was filled with abuse for 20 years. We both know that we must stop looking at each other and compare us to our ex-partners. Then I thought that maybe I am not looking far enough in time. Sure I was in a very bad relationship, and so was he, but even knowing that does not change a thing. We end up fighting passionately until one of us gives up. Then we talk and think we know where it comes from.
    At that very moment, a big truck almost hit me (it is quite a ride to work sometimes) and I almost got into an accident because of this careless driver. My quick driving skills reflex avoided to be killed by that truck. Then, I became furious at the driver, and I could feel my heart pounding very hard and I could have gotten out of the car and yelled at the driver, and perhaps punch and kick his truck. He seemed to not even have noticed anything at all, which doubled my anger. Then I thought: “Why do I get so angry? Sure I could have been killed but I am safe now. Relaxe, relaxe, relaxe! Was it my Lizard that saw the real danger and helped me out? I sure can learn to trust it knows.” Then I thought that perhaps everything do not come from my youth, since I was not driving until my early 20s. So my thinking reverted back to my ex-boyfriend of 20 years ago, it had to come from there. I was confused.
    Then it hit me just like the truck almost hit me. I remembered my mom in the car when I was a little kid. Good thing my dad was the driver in the family, always calm even in dangerous situation. But my mom, she always became angry at the other drivers, cursing them and wanting to get out of the car to fight with them. A very protective mama bear I always thought. Here I am, I had learned over and over to react with anger in those situations. It hurts me, my chest feels tight, I stop breathing, get all tense, and I have taught my son for years how to drive with anger.
    I am grateful to that driver this morning for getting in my way, he woke me up. I am looking deeper into my childhood, at how I learned to partner with such unhealthy ways. My parents fought all my childhood, and sometimes left one another overnight. There were also lots of lies and other kind of hurt all my childhood and teenage years. It was so painful to us kids, that I promised myself I would never have my children go through such ordeal. My parents stumbled a lot and for a very long time, but they did stay married for 44 years until my dad passed away. I have excellent driving skills, and I can train myself to have excellent relationship skills. I now see it as you say it, a finite and not endless learning. It is quite encouraging to look at it this way.

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