Al, I believe that I have mentioned to you in the past, either on postings here or in e-mails or phone calls that I believe that my ex-wife suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In my continuing efforts to understand her better and improve my relationship with her, I am active on a particular discussion group for non-BPs involved with a BP (you probably have a bunch of hits from that site, I think some of the believe I'm on your payroll I refer to you so much...lol). Last week I posted a link to this essay and a second one (the "To be safe you must share" essay) as an example of what I believed was effective in a relationship. I think it takes a lot of guesswork out of things if there is honesty and openness up front. The question was raised as to whether these same guidelines would apply in a relationship with someone with BPD. The site I frequent contends that much of BPD is shame-based and I generally agree that BPs carry around tremendous amount of shame. The concern in the group was that being totally honest and open could be a shame-trigger in a BP, causing strong reactions that could put the BP's lizard in a strong unsafe mode and making progress difficult. My thought is that this is probably an issue more when the BP does not see the non as a source of safety to his/her lizard, and still thought that the question was interesting. I let the group know that I would request your feedback on the issue, so here I am.