Dear Al, Thank you so much for replying promptly. I have ordered the book and read some of the articles you recommended. I will continue to learn. There are many concepts that are new and unfamiliar to me. I have been seeing a counselor on my own. My partner is not willing to seek counseling together with me. He thinks that I have been brainwashed but I disagree. He views my changes, such as trying to be more independent, as foolish rebellion like a teenager. I think that I am more of a Slave, although I do speak like a Master at times. I think that I am very lacking in boundary skills and communication skills, so our conversation almost always turns into arguments. Is it a good idea to somehow get him to read the recommended book and articles? It seems awfully hard to grow alone without his active participation. The biggest issue is indeed TRUST. I could not believe that I was so blind. I easily accepted his lies over so many years. After knowing how well he can lie and manipulate people, I found myself constantly questioning his words, his actions, and motivations behind them, wondering whether they are genuine or just another way of manipulating me. I also withhold my own truth to him. After discovering his 8-year affair with someone we both know, I spent several months on secretly playing a detective to figure out what-was-going-on. I stopped doing it because I think that it was an unhealthy behavior and a tremendous waste of my time and energy. My time may be better spent on growing myself. I only questioned him some of the things I found but not all. On the one hand, I want to confront him with ALL of the information I had gathered about the affair. There are specifics that he does not realize that I have found out, and I really want to know whether my interpretation is right. On the other hand, I hope that he would tell me the whole truth himself. In my opinion, he needs to do that if he is willing to save our marriage. In this case, I could also check his words against what I know to see whether he is still lying. However, this seems to be a foolish hope because people say that most cheaters lie to the very end. I am torn between the two. Sometimes I think about becoming a detective again to figure out whether he is still having affairs or not. In your opinion, which would be the more constructive way to proceed? I think that both of us don't feel safe with each other at this point. Thank you so much. Sadly, Nancy