Sorry to take so long to respond. Been on vacation and enjoying the beach. Here's my thougth. I've run into this one three times this week so the topic is right up there. I see the issue as one of Master-Slave relating. The solution is to shift to the Friend-Friend or dialogical way of relating. In Master-Slave relating there will be a lot of blame or guilt - all responsibility put on one or the other. I believe this must be broken up and replaced by a) Boundary concepts and Skills, b) very clear responsibility for your part of things and no responsibility for their part of things. You do your part and "help" them with doing their part. Maybe I haven't said this clearly enough on my site. Here's the paper. If you are taking responsibility for his stuff or if he is taking responsibility for your stuff, I don't think it works. Usually when I see this pattern, both people are frightened of the other's "temper" or "threaths of leaving" and so the are holding back the very real impulse to say, "That's your stuff, idiot!" They are avoiding anything that looks like blaming, and I think you do need to "blame" your partner for their stuff. Perhaps do it "nicely" but I think you must do it. When he says, "You are not the one with the problems!" I suggest you respond with, "Of course I don't have your problems. Those are yours. I have mine. And I am working on my problems. Help me see how you have a problem with that?" You might want to look at my paper on Problem Solving. Tis my experience that people always hook up with people who have just as many problems. Good luck. Al