Good question and good point. Yes, it is a bit like saying that if someone is tense, it is their problem. That may seem harsh, but I believe a) it is practical on two levels and b) can be easily said more gently. Practical levels: I believe that up to about age 7 or 8, we humans are designed to live with others who provide safety for us. In a safe nurturing group of caretakers, our brains develop well without damage. After age 8 we are progressively more and more responsible for our own protection and nurturing. I think this is part of our genetic design. I think it is also all about developing self-responsibility. If our caretakers do their job "well," during childhood we will have been both a) protected and b) witnessed how they severally display self-responsibility and support each other. We will have been protected while we learned how to do it ourselves. The second practical point I see focuses again on the Safety paper and the structure of the brain. I believe it is the "lizard" who wants safety on its terms. It wants that to be reliable. Anything else "scares" the lizard. The only agency that can reliable take care of the lizard is the cortex that surrounds it. I, as an outsider, cannot protect my child from the nightmares it experiences. I can help, but the only one who can reliably do the protecting is that child's cortex. Thus, when I say, "Hm. you seem tense.... and that is your problem," I believe I am practically being accurate. Conversely, if I say, "I am sorry for causing your tension," then I believe I am both inaccurately representing the situation, promising a false hope, and delaying 'your' recovery to a state of relaxation. If you are waiting for me to "make you safe," you may have a long wait. Now, how to go about being helpful and gentle in this situation? I think the challenge is in the last part of your line, "that is your problem." While perhaps accurate, it also easily can include a tone of dismissal which by itself can be frightening (to their midbrain's need for connection). So the goal is to affirm the boundary ("It's your stuff") and maintain the connection ("How can I help?") A friend of mine wrote a brief article that summarizes this situation. I posted it under the title "Your Stuff is Never My Fault".