al, wow, thanks for taking so much time and thought to respond. i understand what you are saying about the "DO THIS" approach.........it may sell well, but it really doesn't address the more complex issues underlying the problems.... however, i am going to challenge one notion for you...and that is the notion that THE REASON he doesn't share or keeps secrets is because he doesn't feel safe......... who was it that said? People cannot be more honest with others than they are with themselves......... I think that is the FIRST step in sharing secrets....is learning to be honest and accepting with one's self......if my H cannot accept himself, if he is still unwilling to go to the places that frighten him.............because HE DOES NOT FEEL SAFE WITH HIMSELF.....then, my making things safe for him really won't do the trick............(although, there have been a couple of times when he was actually able to be honest with me and then with himself...kinda ass backwards....but it makes sense if I am safer than he is with himself.......aren't we are own harshest critics?) So, based on my situation, where I believe I have created an incredible zone of safety for my H........until/if he can be HONEST with himself, there really is no hope of him being able to be honest with me...........regardless of how safe I make it.