Al--I appreciate the time, energy and effort you put into this article. It is rich with information and you do a nice job of tying back to many of your theories and examples....but, honestly, it still leaves me wanting..... i was hoping for a straight forward "HOW TO" step by step approach ala What to Do When He/She Leaves.....maybe my mind is just not capable of assimilating all of this information and making it actionable. I still want to know how to go about talking about and healing the wounds of infidelity in a couple who has decided they want to make a go of it. How does one get the "cheating" spouse to acknowledge and validate the pain experience by the cheated on spouse? My H seems unwilling/unable to go there.........perhaps because it is too painful for him to accept that the pain i am feeling was a result of the secret keeping and breach of trust. Not trying to be a victim here. Understand that he was/is in pain as well. But, how to get past this notion of "the past is past and it has no impact on the future" is what is really creating a huge barrier in our relationship. Every time i try to have an IMAGO conversation about my feelings he is unable (unwilling) to focus on MY FEELINGS...his lizard pounces and he believes he is under attack (despite no such intention or language or whatever on my part). He just does not want to go there. I desperately need to be heard. So, where to go from here?