Good letter and what a painful problem. Let me look at it a bit. I think of relationship as a place in space where the magical/romantic/idealistic meets the practical/concrete/visible actions. The trick is to keep one’s eyes on the magical while finding and learning ((practice until automatic) basic skills. When I am having trouble, I immediately try to identify the specific things I may be doing and can thus change. This tends to keep me hopeful – a nice thing. I do think that the skills you need will eventually have to be practices and honed in a relationship, but we are in relationships all the time and can learn a lot before we plunge or between plunges. (Though I do think people can learn most from quality reflections on what goes wrong in the plunges.) So let me look at what you’ve written. You say, “Women I really like, I scare away the fastest.” This is not some abstract lesson or idea. This is real and specific. What do you do? You need to find out. I don’t think the issue is that they are scared so much as that you do things that trigger their fear. Don’t look so much at them, but at what you are doing. Perhaps ask them, or our friends. Get specifics. Theories are a start, but it is the actual behavior that counts and probably needs changing. When you find something, actually you will probably find lots of somethings, first a) forgive yourself, b) identify who taught that behavior to you, c) identify and start practicing some new skills. Frustrated and discouraged? Well, that’s normal. Feeling stuck or trapped will do that. To me it is just a sign of “time to get my ass in gear.” The more frustrated or discouraged I am, the more stubborn my tendency to blame others for my responsibilities seems to be. The combination of passivity (“I can’t do anything”) and lack of good skills are a wonderful source of depression. So just start learning! I hear you think you know what type of woman you want, but also think of wanting to meet the kind of woman who sees you as the type of guy they want. Relationships are a wonderful opportunity to develop empathy skills. Ah, that old “my anxiety must be palpable” thingy. Yep. Goal in life it to relax and keep relaxed as a regular way of being. People connect with others, and deep inside their lizards are asking, “Can I relax with this person? Will I be safe?” If you are wildly tense, maybe you send their lizard a really wrong message. So here is a suggestion. Continue to live your life, date or not, as dates appear, but “plan” to live well alone. Make your living alone as comfortable as possible, so that a partner, should you find them, will join you in and only improve a “good thing.” Be ready for them to appear, but not frantic. Good luck. Al