Good question. Here's some thoughts. I see several problems. As you are working on your reactivity (lizards going nuts to protect you), you have to also work on your lizards' reactions to memories. One reaction you both may have to is "doing it wrong." Every system must include the ability to learn, which is also a relaxed attitude to "doing it wrong." One of the nightmares of parenting is that way older people can accidentally brainwash a kid into a visceral (read "lizard") fear of doing it wrong. I think you want to learn to embrace mistakes and enjoy doing better and better. You may want to check out my paper on Controllers. Second, I suggest you share with each other on the long term goal of being sources of safety to each other, so that when you slip, you can reaffirm you commitment. I recommend that you address becoming reliably Empathic with each other. Check out The Road to Empathy. And lastly you might want to start working on Caring Days and Caring Behaviors. Does wonders.