Relationship confusion. Though I have written many times about this topic, I still find it the hardest for people to grasp. And in all my experience of relating, in starting a relationship, recovering one, maintain a high reliable quality of connection, this is the most important. Here is another attempt to make the relational situation clearer. [I've also been reminded that this is Advanced Relationship material - not for beginners.]   more »

As I was learning to Mirror (a skill taught by all Imago therapists), I ran into a specific problem that often blocked communication just while people were trying to improve it. Solving this problem, I think, is critical to maintaining good relationships   more »

Here's the class that I use to teach mirroring. I teach every couple or individual using this class. It has all the critical points. Enjoy.    more »

FOR INSPIRATION, TRY THIS! This sort of thing doesn't come often to an old therapist, but it is welcome. Here's an ex-client who, I think, got it. "You can either be in Relationship or Right. You can either Validate or be Right. You can either be Empathic or be Right. Take your pick." Thanks to you, friend.   more »

People still ask me, How much should I tell my partner? This paper and chart have had quite an impact on people. In some cases it has been "life changing" after one reading. That has surprised and pleased me.    more »

How about it? Want to learn to be empathic? Want to know when you aren't? Want to improve? I believe that more and more people will be talking about the “need for more empathy.” I believe that the primary cause of conflict in our families, our partnerships, our business, our marriages, our political communities, our churches, and in the world, is a pronounced lack of reliable empathic skills.    more »

So many times I've heard the phrase, "he/she did that out of the blue." I love the phrase. It seems so colorful. And also many people write me, and read my thoughts, about what to do when he/she leaves. Put these two issues together and I give you this article.    more »

When someone says, “I’m hurt” or “That upsets me,” or "I'm anxious," what is a useful response? I find this is a central problem in the common co-dependency I see. Here are some ideas and links to deeper understanding.    more »

The Goal Of Communication in Relationships is that both persons feel understood frequently, and always when the subject is important to one or the other. (I wrote this some years ago. See how all the ideas on my website are worked into it.)    more »

A recent letter sparked me to thinking about how I handle this tough situation. I have been using this all purpose skill for a dozen years, recommending it to my clients. Some use it. Some don’t. Sometimes it makes things “better.” Sometimes it seems to make things “worse.” Life is like that. Take a-look.    more »

I think that "Being Dialogical" is the inverse of being Emotionally Symbiotic. If we keep an ear out for MasterTalk, and remove it, we can easily and durably stay in a Dialogical space.   more »

This is a technique I use in the office when people are very reactive about an incident. I use it often. I have noticed that I refer to it in one of my most popular articles - on Resentments. Yet, nowhere have I written up how to do it. So, here goes.   more »

Do you talk too much or two fast? Hey, I do! On the one hand it is a wonderful advantage. It has also caused a lot of trouble for me - because it drives people crazy.    more »

This is a beginner, Validation exercise. You are Uninformed at that point when you think your partner is doing something odd or that “doesn’t make sense to you.” If you were informed, you wouldn’t think it odd, and you would see your partner’s sense. Use this practice sheet to get good at Validating.   more »

"Pulling" is a critical component of making good communication work smoothly. It stops the habit of interruption. It promotes full sharing of points and it enables people getting to ?the bottom of things? ? quality understanding. It is the necessary fourth step of the Mirroring teaching tool, but it is a skill all its own. Here's my brief definition of a pull. A brief verbal or non-verbal invitation by receiver to the sender to keep talking on the subject at hand only. This gesture ends the ?insult of interruption.?   more »

When we listen, do we understand? When we speak, do we get to feel understood? The skills of understanding, making a person feel understood, and speaking so that someone can understand you, are very important. In this article I hope to be able to explain about this and start you on your way. Seek to become an expert. I think this is really worth the investment.    more »

One of my pet peeves is poor usage of words when talking about feelings. Feelings are events in our bodies, usually chemical in nature and thus have intensity ? stronger or weaker. Thoughts are symbol events in our brains that either occur or dont.   more »

People use the phrase �I don�t know� so often that I finally shared an alternative. We don�t live life based on what we know. I think often we know very little, but that doesn�t stop us from going on. Why should it stop conversation?    more »

I want share my beliefs that being "dialogical" very much involves choices of what to share, when to share it, and acute clarity about boundaries. One choice is the "to share or not to share" choice. Another is the "when to share and when not to share" choice. And another is the "how to share" choice.   more »

This is a way of scoring to see if you were experiencing dialogue or just normal chaotic conversation.   more »

This discusses a great and eroding problem within a relationship: keeping silent, keeping secrets.    more »

This is the training tool for communication. It's purpose is to train people in the 52 distinct skills necessary for making speakers feel heard and making listeners relaxed while listening to anything.   more »

What is mirroring good for? Here's a list.   more »

This is a true story I sometimes tell people who are first learning to use Mirroring and who are resisting practicing.   more »

Amazingly this is a very common occurrance and there is something you can do.  I am particularly familiar with this ...   more »