What to do when he/she won’t talk to you.
Assuming you want to chat with them.
© Al Turtle 2005
Amazingly this is a very common occurrence, and there is something you can do. I am particularly familiar with this as I am the kind of guy who can talk with someone about intimate subjects for 60 hours, or more, straight. I can drive everyone crazy, and they didn't use to want to talk with me much. (Also check out my papers on Reliable Membership and on the Testicle Principle.)
Rule: People won't talk cuz they don't feel safe to.
This is a pretty simple and very reliable rule. I suggest you learn it. I have found it helps when I want someone to talk to me and they won't. What is typical for me is to try to push them to talk. I had tried thousands of ways, it seemed. My ways never worked. So finally I accepted the idea that "pushing doesn't work." Of course many of my pushing techniques were very tricky and subtle. Still my partner could instantly see, or feel through me and see my pushing. It just didn't work.
Thus my first task is to start to help them feel safe. I have found this is both very difficult and easy. Making anyone feel anything is pretty near impossible. They will feel what they chose to feel, darn them. Still there are lots of things that trigger a sense of safety in a person. And there are lots of things that tend to make a person feel unsafe. Find 'em. Remove 'em.
So let's look at the situation you are in. Someone won't talk to you. Is it that they won't talk to anyone about anything? Or is it that they won't talk to you, personally? These are very different situations, and you have to ask yourself which it is.
If they won't talk to anyone about anything, it may be quite difficult to get them to talk. Somehow they have probably learned to be unsafe with everyone. Could easily be that this comes directly from when they were little. You have to work to overcome that. It's still possible, just difficult and may take a long time with a lot of patience. (Of course, if this is your partner, you picked them. And this problem is part of your personal challenge in life.)
If they won't talk with just you, I think the situation is easier. Here's the thought. You are doing things or have done things, probably lots of things, that tend to make them feel unsafe. You probably don't know what these things are, but these are actions you "can change." What you are doing does not work for you.
Now, remember, what you do is normal for you. You have to identify what those things are that you do, and learn to replace your behaviors with something better – something that works. Sure this can be difficult, but it is your behavior and therefore you can change it. You have this power. (To understand the issues of Safety, click here for many articles.)
Principle #1: Develop and Demonstrate Patience
Probably the first thing you need is to send the message that "you can wait." That means you need to learn patience. Now before you decide that this is hopeless, just remember that patience is a set of skills. Patience is a learned thing. All children are born "impatient." That's normal. It is also normal for us to learn "patience," when we grow up. It is kind of like learning to tie your shoes laces. But some people have not learned patience — YET.
Patience is the habit of comfort when things don't happen at the pace you desire. Easiest way to learn patience is to spend a large amount of time in a slow situation with people who are already very patient. You can learn it by example. Ask others how they learned it. You can also take courses in Meditation, Yoga, and many east Asia disciplines. Practice it.
I still practice intentionally missing traffic lights. If the light is green, I may slow a little. If it turns yellow, I really try to stop. And then I practice enjoying the "tiny vacation" I get while the light is red.
Principle #2: Invite, instead of Push
This is pretty straight forward. Learn to never ask questions. Invite instead. It sounds like this. "I was wondering about something you did the other day. If you ever figure out what was going on for you when you did that, I'd love to hear about it. In the meantime, let's have dinner." Notice how these are all statements with no question mark at the end of them. Many people feel pushed by questions. Just being asked a question often feels like an attack. So, just don't do it. (To understand the issue of Pushing, click here.)
Principle #3: Gently Listen
Wow, is this one valuable! I suggest you show only moderate eagerness when listening, but invite them to say anything they want. Never interrupt. Never add more questions. Just listen and encourage them to say it all. Accept whatever they say. Never, never, never argue. Learn Mirroring so as to help train yourself to relax while listening to anything they say.
What about talking bout past and past relationship?
I’m not sure what you are asking, Amy.
But about the topic, I think it is very important to share stories about your past. The past is all about what are the influences on your partner’s current behavior so that you can understand them easily. Past relationships are all about how your partner did deal with things and what they may need to improve upon. This is all useful information. Not sharing makes these things scary and is not trust building. I think the guiding principle is “EVENTUALLY you need to be ready to share just a bit more than your partner wants to hear.”
The question is when to share and how to share. Pushing someone to share is usually not productive. Often come across as “interrogation.” Being pleasantly curious, and patient, is useful. Having lots of boundary skills is pretty important also. Read up on How much to Share? and Diversity and PreValidation.
My thoughts. Good luck, Amy.
Thank you for the link, I refuse to continue to be in codependent relationships anymore. I am taking time out for me and to reestablish relationships with family and friends, the people I neglected while being in past relationship. your right I have learned so much in a short time and I will admit I am not sure what I want but I surly know what I don’t want.
Wonderful, Deborah, Keep a going. A cautionary note is that I’ve found moving out of codependency is more about building a strong relationship with your self than with others. As one builds a strong reliable friendship with yourself, you then practice carrying that into relationships with others. Codependency seems more about how easily you loose yourself when you are around others or even just think of them.
Good luck.
Thank you for your advice, I know I have a lot of work to do on myself before I can enter into a new relationship. I moved back to my home state 3019 miles away from my ex, I feel being around family and old friends has helped, however; at times it feels I will never truly get over my ex, each day I see our breakup was for the best, I just wish there was a magic wand to wave to allow me to heal and just forget. I hope this doesn’t sound like I want him back, now that iam away and looking from the outside if I had not been so codependent we would not have lasted 6 month he had to many issues that I would have never allowed myself to put up with. I guess hind site really is 20/20.
Hang in there, Deborah. Keep a learning. I saw you moved close to “home” and I thought I would mention one of my more grim observations. Codependency seems to be a pattern of behavior that is generated in the family of origin. One could call those families codependagenic. This implies a couple of things. Your family may or may not be helpful in your process of learning to break free of those habits. But also, if you have siblings, they may be grateful for your learning and your help in learning their own paths. Tricky situation. And remember, I don’t blame parents. They do/did their best. Even if “their best” wasn’t very good. It’s your job to complete your maturing-up/healing. Lost of best wishes and good luck.
Coming home was more about the way it made me feel safe and back to the old me. The beauty and diversity of my home state of California allows me to express who I really am, being he and I moved to the south which was a culture shock for me and I always felt out of place. The issues of insecurity I am healing from, I will admit started at a young age however: I have forgiven and accepted that, after a certain age you can not blame bad behavior or decisions on our parents or things that happened to us as a child. I will just say I have gone too long in my life without finding the right tools to not be codependent, find better ways of decision making, loving myself and my self worth, which I do believe is taught as a child. My family is very supportive I am home, although we don’t see each other often and I am an only child so no siblings.
Hello Al
I’ve been in an on again off again relationship with a man for the past 3 1/2 yrs. We met 20 yrs ago, briefly dated broke things off and remained distant friends. Without getting into a whole novel, our current relationship is very rocky at best. He is currently not talking to me and I really have no clear idea why. I’ve noticed that at around the 2-3 month of being together, he suddenly changes and starts distancing himself. Out of the blue he will get irrigated and argue about anything. Then before I know it, I get the silent treatment. When this happens, initially, I push back but with no success. Eventually, we end up not talking for 2-3 months and then either he or I will initiate contact and the cycle begins again. I am perplexed and very hurt to say the least. I don’t understand this behavior. I’m almost convinced that he has a personality disorder. Right now I’m laying low. I want to talk to him, mainly because I want to suggest he see a doctor. I think it’s very possible a clinical diagnosis is in order. My last message to him was “Hey, I don’t want to continue to reach out if u don’t want to talk. So I’m gonna leave it alone. When ur ready to talk, I’m here. Just needed u to know the reason for my silence so u don’t mistake it for being anything other than what it appears u need. Kisses. My question to you is, should I continue to lay low? Should I wait, be patient as you would put it, and let him come to me. I think that is the best approach but sometimes I just want to get it out but more than my need to confront him, I want him to get better, take the time that is necessary to work things out for himself. I need to know if this man has a personality disorder or if he’s just a jerk. I want to be understanding, compassionate and caring but not to a jerk. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Much thanks!
I have been broken up from my ex now for 6 months after a 10 year relationship, it devestated me I tried no contact and the longer we did not talk the stronger I became, the more I loved myself. I realize now we only stayed together for as long as we did because I always put him and his needs first, I was the glue. It was not easy my heart hurt for him everyday, I would cry, not eat and constantly try to figure out what was wrong with me I jumped to his every need and I loved him unconditionally. My advice is put that energy into youself, love you and be good to yourself and like me you may find this is not the relationship for you. Iam so much happier now I promise iam.
Hi Deborah
I have gone no contact with this man many times and you’re right, with time, I do feel better. Actually, I don’t feel all that bad. I just want to get to the bottom of his issue(s). More than having him in my life, I’m curious to know what makes him tick. Why am I so curious, well I guess knowing will take away the hurt that I do feel. But I realize, I may not get my release in that way. Once again, I may have to muddle through on my own. Be my own closure. My girlfriend sent me an article a man wrote about a 5 yr relationship he had with a woman he never fully chose. In it, he talked about how much he wanted to be with her. How she was an exquisite woman, I.e. – brilliant, sexy, sensual, witty, exotic and funny. He went further to say he loved her wildly. Wow…right? After all that, anyone would wonder what the problem was. With all that going for her, why couldn’t he fully choose her? He stated the reason as being immature. That loving her became a strain. And that eventually, he began to wonder if there was another woman out there who would be easier to love. So, as a result, he started focusing on her negatives and mirrored them back to her. And the more he did that, the more he brought out her worst and gave his worst. He described her negatives as (anger, demands, insecurities, a strong personality that grated on him). But, in the same breathe also described her personality as being gifts of (laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship and much…much more). I said all that to say, sometimes it does boil down to a person’s immaturity…emotional immaturity. As much as I think the man I’m with may have a personality disorder, I also think it’s just as likely, he is immature. Which, in my book, makes him somewhat of a jerk. But in open to other possibilities because I just don’t want to think the worst of him. However, in either/any event, I strongly feel, I may just be time to move on. I can’t keep fighting this battle. Every time I lose it, it hurts more! The concluding state made by this man at the end of his article was, “She found it hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you. Wow! No truer words were ever spoken. Although, with all he said, I think he’s the fool!
One thing I’ve learned is the more I loved, the more I tried I was displaying weekness and neediness. I was telling him it was ok to make me his doormat, that I was not worth being loved or respected. I understand wanting to know the ” whys” the “what if’s” until I had to turn those questions to myself, why don’t I love and value myself, why do I feel he deserved more than me? I had to face hard facts about myself. You want to know if he has bpd but the question you have to answer is what issues from your past affect you to the point you are not seeing your worth, if you don’t see it he wont. I’m not judging you, I’m coming out of the same situation that’s why I can say I know how you feel. I can also say until you move on value yourself and accept this relationship is draining you and stopping you from being the strong beautiful woman you are who deserves honest and pure love the cycle will continue. I asked myself before I decided to let him go, do I want to move on hurt for awhile and heal or do I want to keep being hurt and disrespected over and over again. Yes I cried (a lot), but choosing me was the first step to real healing, I don’t cry any more and every day I get stronger.
Glad to read that your are digging into figuring these things out, Ellejay. I certainly do that. Just understanding how things make sense or follow structures, etc. is a relief. Mysteries are a challenge to be worked on. And once solved, we can move on. Whee.
I, too, found that as I was away from my partner, I would relax and vice versa. When I was around her I could get more needy and frantic. But that is the way the drive for Reliable Membership works, it seems. So now I am not surprised. So getting away from you “partner” decreases the frantic behavior but if you are away too far then one feels lonely. The solutions I found were to be close enough, but not too close for either partner. As you read up on this, you might find some better understanding of what has been going on with your partner.
Also, while “you can’t make anyone do anything”, if you want him to chose you there is a lot to be done. Particularly look for the things you do that he hates or dislikes a lot. Change em. So much of this trouble between couples comes down to how they talk with each other, how they listen, how they feel understood, and how they get rid of arguing. If I’m with a person who doesn’t listen, I want to get away. If I’m with a person who understands me, I hang around. Oh, if I’m with a person who says they understand me and who doesn’t understand me, I run. And I block all arguing – won’t do it.
Being in a relationship always means lots of changing, learning. I’m used to discovering how foolish I have been in the past. Tis just part of growing up.
Good luck.
Sorry to hear all that happened to you, Deborah. Seems we all have to get into a lot of hurt in order to learn the valuable lessons of life. Putting your own “Self” first is one of those lessons. Fortunately I think you are among an enormous crowd of people learning this. I’d check out Codependency and the whole world of people recovering from it. I see it often in both guys and gals.
Dear Ellejay, I’m sorry to have been off for a while and missed getting back to you. I’m not sure what’s going on, too. But I bet you have a lot more information than you are sharing. That “out of the blue” stuff seems off to me. You’ve known him for a long time. Do you guys, when you are “talking”, argue? What’s going on that shifts him? People make sense all the time and the place this shows up most is in their relating. I doubt that he has a personality disorder, though. Why would you pick a person that you’ve known for 20 years with a disorder? My guess is more that he’s feeling crowded or pushed. Sounds very push – pull for you and painful.
I’m not sure what you mean by “I just want to get it out but more than my need to confront him….” Do you want to confront him about his pulling away? Do you want to tell him off? Who does the temper in this relationship? And are you the Clinger? Is he just an Avoider? Anyway, share a bit more, please.
Hello, I keep getting close with this amazing girl but every time we get “too close” she backs off and goes weeks without talking to me. This has been happening for a couple years. She tends to run to other guys often after each encounter of “too close” between us but always finds her way back to me after her short dating span with other guys fails. Each time she finds her way back to me, she opens up more, her feelings show more and it comes off that she is trying to convince herself that ‘this can’t be real love’. I understand being patient but it is hard. This gal, she has been through a divorce, has a 5 year old son and makes comments that her family won’t accept us (because we are distantlyyy related). She confesses that I am her sole mate, that she loves me, that I’m the only one who she feels comfortable around, happy, ect. We have an amazing chemistry, great moments, a lot of great memories and it’s obvious that there is something in the air between us…but why are we not officially together and enjoying one another as a couple?
I just need some advice, some better understanding on what may be some options on how to react to this type of behavior.
Thank you.
Hello John, Actually this sounds pretty common. You are being presented by some normal patterns. Remember that whatever she is doing, it always makes sense (is congruent) with who she is and who she’s becoming. Her experience with previous relationships makes her cautious, but particularly cautious with behaviors in you that she’s become more aware of. I think you can not longer use the “soulmates” kind of thinking cuz you’ve both (at least she) have developed beyond that simple vision of a relationship. A true soulmate carries traits that will a) become your worst nightmare and b) provoke you to learn new skills of relating and nurturing. If you think a relationship shouldn’t take a whole pile of work, then you’ll be disappointed. Sounds as if she’s come to glimpse the “work” being with you might involve and she’s shying away from it.
So I would move onto using the logic that people who are getting past their Power Struggle need to use. (Check out my Map of Relationship.) Each time she dances away she’s giving you lots of information about what is important to her and which you can validate (or at least PreValidate). I suggest becoming an expert at listening and Validation. Sounds like a good relationship to build (fixer upper).
Good luck, John.
Dear Al:
I’ve been seeing a woman for 7 months. Just some background: She was in an abusive marriage that resulted in a child. Her ex-husband is a sociopath and deliberately behaves in ways to cause her problems. Naturally, she has major trust and intimacy issues. I also have issues with trust and intimacy because I was sexually abused as an adolescent.
When she’s healthy everything is great. She’s supportive, loving, funny, encouraging, kind, and makes me want to be the best version of myself. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been when we get together that way. However, there will be periods when she becomes withdrawn and will ignore me for days or weeks at a time. This usually occurs when something very stressful happens to her or our relationship is on the verge of becoming more serious. For example, in the most recent instance she brought up the possibility of us having sex. I opened up to her about private feelings that I don’t talk about with anybody. I felt very vulnerable and embarrassed. We talked about possibly going away together. Since then I haven’t heard from her, despite a few efforts on my part to communicate. That was almost two weeks ago. I know she isn’t deliberately hurting me, but it IS hurting me.
I don’t know how to respond because I don’t know what’s she’s thinking/feeling or even if she’s physically okay. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Well, Dave, Welcome to the great process of relationships. Sounds to me as if all things are going ok, but you have your doubts. And we look at the situation very differently. Here’s my thinking so you can add it to yours.
Sounds as if you’ve been together long enough to settle the issue that you are a match. One thing I believe about such a match is that they are equally “troubled” people with “equally troubled backgrounds.” The good part of this is that you both, as a team, have to help each other. One of the slips people often make is that they focus on one person’s problems and ignore the other’s. Best to think of taking turns.
Taking turns often means that you put your issues on hold, while your partner’s issues are active. That in itself is quite a skill but I think we are built to do it. Example: she needs to go into her cocoon, and when she does, you must handle your abandonment issues on your own – for a while.
Sounds as if her issues are pretty strong, and thus yours will be also. So you both get to look forward to building what I call “Industrial Strength” coping tools and skills.
Keep-a-going and don’t let her actions, which are the best she can do, hurt you too much.
Let me know how I can help.
Thank you, Al. I’m just not sure what to do. I know she will eventually come back to me (since we’re in a pattern and that’s part of it). However, I don’t know whether to wait until she contacts me or leave a message telling her that I’m here for her when she’s ready. I’m fearing that she is depressed. I’m worried sick about her.
Not much you can do except wait and give yourself somethings to do that occupy your mind rather than obsess on her. Follow the four steps in What to do when he/she leaves. Peace to you, Dave.