Why to Learn Validation?
I took your questions as a great opportunity to rethink. I've been practicing and teaching Validation for 10+ years. Sometimes I like to look back at what I've done, decide if it was a "good thing" or a "learning experience" and to refresh my views.
My belief is that discovering Validation was a Wholly/Holy Wonderful thingy.
But you asked why? So I thought for a while and came up with three answers – three benefits. Then I asked Sandra and she popped up with the other side of one of my three benefits. I'll be brief.
Reason #1: Safety.
If you live with another person your greatest risk is that they will keep critical secrets from you. You may be living in what I call a "Fact Void." Probably all of you who have lost a partnership have discovered this. It's what he/she wasn't saying and you weren't hearing that killed the relationship. The habit of Validation brings you face to face with what is going on inside your partner in a reliable trustworthy/trust building/trust maintaining way. The habit of Validation also makes for a reliable safe way for your partner to feel seen and not feel ignored – to speak up. Safety in relationship is created by the habit of Validation. That's my firm belief and my first reason.
Of course if you don't want safety in a relationship, skip learning Validation. That's my corollary.
Reason #2: Narcisism
In this culture I fear it is easy to develop narcissist habits. In the early part of my marriage, to make things simple, I think I was a "narcissist prick". Of course I learned these skills from my parents and the people around me, on TV, etc. I've learned that the future for all NPs is to live alone with everyone hating you – just a matter of time. Or you can learn to quit those habits. The prime missing element in NPs is their ability to be empathic. I firmly believe Validation is a specific skill to teach habits of Empathy and to remove the catastrophic habits/consequences of being NP.
Of course if you want to live alone, skip learning Validation and also skip learning Empathy. Just my thoughts.
Reason #3: Self-Esteem
A normal problem in raising kids or running relationships or, hell, the welfare state is the tragic lack of self-esteem in most everyone. Learning to have or build self-esteem, guiding people into self-esteem is I believe a direct result of the application of Validation. Teaching people that they don't have to be like you, also teaches them that they are responsible for their happiness and misery. They can make their choices. They cannot be victims. I've learned that any sane culture wants people to have high self-esteem because those people are more productive toward the culture. I've learned that if you have to build self-esteem in secrecy, then your productivity will tend to be simply rebellious and culture-negligent/destructive. I firmly believe that Validate builds self-esteem. That's my third reason.
Of course if you just want to stay a victim or just want people around you to be victims, skip learning Validation. Just my thoughts.
Let's PreValidate them and him. The simple answer is that “people lie because it isn't safe to tell the truth.” If they lie to everyone, they've been raised by and are now surrounded by a dangerous audience. If you lie just to you, then they experience unsafety when they did or do talk to you. The clue is to look at safety.
This topic is about Validation and PreValidation and is useful when safety is being addressed enough. Look at my stuff on Safety.
Oh. and if you experience this a lot, you may want to consider why you have not noticed all the unsafety around – till now.
Hi Al,
I have just found out (funny how these things eventually come out) that my spouse's workmate has separated from her spouse (2 kids) and they are together. I had the feeling before we separated that there was something there, but he always denied it. Even since separating I have asked him if he was seeing someone and he denied it. It seems they planned this for some time, to separate at different times and be 'discreet' so that people would think their relationship formed after separating (they are both in 'power' positions in their jobs). I just can't fathom how people can treat their spouses, their family's and relatives like this. And also lie through their teeth about everything. Is this the sign of controllers? Also do relationships like that last? Before he left, my spouse used to say repeatedly to me 'I'm a good guy' and 'it has to be right'!!! Why couldn't he just be honest!
Kez
Hi Al,
Thanks for replying. I have gone back and read 'Making Amends' and am wondering in my situation, at the height (or depths!) of everything going wrong, I did the classic bombard him till he could see sense (of course all that did was drive him away). As I said I am learning patience, and when he phones now (usually once a week to talk to our kids, but always talks to me as well, initially very briefly, but as time has gone on, he seems to be 'thawing' slightly, and I have eased into a position where I let him do most of the talking – rather than me (yep I can talk under wet cement – like you have mentioned in your essays I too am a needy son-of-a-gun who can blab on incessently). Anyway, my question is this – do you bring up making amends (don't want to panic his lizard) or just be patient? Or broach making amends and see how he responds and if he rejects it outright – just leave it at that? You also wrote that have I been too serious – yep – the whole episode of our long drawn out 'will he, won't he' behaviour, and my dealing with a childhood event that unfortunately reared its ugly head at this time resulted in me hitting rock bottom. It has taken a while to climb out of the pit, but I sought help and am getting my interest back in everything! I felt totally shattered by these experiences, but really feel like as I put myself back together, I am being rebuilt differently in the respect that I have learnt so much, become aware of so much and looking at everthing so differently.
Once again, thanks and regards, Kez
” I have accepted that he will probably never come back..” That sounds good. He should never go back to the relationship you used to have with him.
” should you keep validating”? Absolutely. What's your choice? To start invalidating him again. Nope. Get good at Validating or PreValidation.
“One thing I would really like to achieve (one day) is to hear from him why he left and so on.” Sure you do. You want data. Now, how to go about getting the data. “Make” him feel happy to share with you. Focus on his safety whenever he, anyone talks.
“I'm wondering that in accepting his decision and finally being in a calm state (yep, I know that my lizard really went troppo for quite some time) can you broach the subject with someone, validate at the same time and get some answers for self?” Probably not the only way to go. He could get some “counseling,” grow some huevos, and send you a letter telling it all to you. But that might take some time and wouldn't necessarily increase the possibility of getting into Vintage Love together. Patience and Validation I think are best.
“I have apologised to him for any wrongs I committed during our 24 year marriage…” Yeah, I've done that, too. Doesn't seem to work. Try my article on Making Amends. I found making apologies skips the crucial second step altogether and usually half of the first step.
“I was just going to write that my spouse has hit his second adolescence…” yeah, and you got the bit about being judgmental, but…. What's wrong with some more adolescence without the full-monte of being so stupid! Adolescents often focus on play. Good thing. Maybe he need to have more play in that relationship that he doesn't want to go back into. Maybe, just maybe, the future relationship with you should involve a whole lot more play. Lizards love play. Are you too serious? Hmm, just a guess.
Hi Al,
Just wondering – my spouse and I have been separated now for approx. 12 months, and I am still working on myself, still reading, striving to become the best me I can. I have accepted that he will probably never come back but my question is – should you keep validating (even at this stage)? One thing I would really like to achieve (one day) is to hear from him why he left and so on. I know he is an avoider (just never thought he did it with me! Boy did I learn from your website) but I still feel like he avoided telling me the whole truth (I get that he didn't feel safe telling me the truth) – but I still feel like everything is so 'unfinished'. I suppose I'm wondering that in accepting his decision and finally being in a calm state (yep, I know that my lizard really went troppo for quite some time) can you broach the subject with someone, validate at the same time and get some answers for self? Personally,my journey through all of this has changed me profoundly, I have learned so much about myself, hit rock bottom forgiven myself (I did take on all the blame) and have grown so much, as they say, through the suffering. I have apologised to him for any wrongs I committed during our 24 year marriage and am finally learning patience and being quieter (notverbalising everything so much!). I was just going to write that my spouse has hit his second adolescence, and I realised I was judging him – still learning!