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Practical Application of Communologue — 4 Comments

  1. Hello, I have been reading your articles to try to figure out how to communicate with my husband who has moved out thinking of divorce. He is in the military had two oversees deployments. In the beginning of our relationship he would follow me around to continue argue net that I felt was going no where and escalating. I eventually started just giving in and all argument were pretty much just yelling no one ever getting heard. I can see or he has made statements that suggest he is lizard.. That he can’t make his thoughts into words. He blames me for all of his anger. I’m not sure nor do I think he is sure what he is so angry about. His only real complaint is he doesn’t feel respected. Over and over that’s all I have heard. He is a sergeant first class and I wonder if it is even possible to get him to try to hear other points of view due to his job? I’m not implying I’m a very good communicator because I had been avoider till being married to him for years. Then I think I switched over to confrontational because I felt dragged into arguments so I gave in and started acting same way.. Not right I know but I was truely at a lose. I do not want a divorce but my husband seems to think its the only way. I’m not sure he would be willing to put forth the effort to change over into vintage love. Not sure how I can move to there myself without his willingness. He has been on military training for a month when he was done with that he just didn’t return home. Any suggestions for
    Civilian wife trying to talk to military husband?

    • Dear Farr, I wrote some stuff for Dawn that certainly applies in your situation.  

      What I said was “Military people (both those who are in a military-like organization and those who were raised by “military” parents) have particular trouble with relationships. Communications skills in the military are completely backward for marriage. You’ve heard that “the military is not a democracy!” Well a marriage is!!. A soldier has to learn to use military logic/communication at work and shift to democratic logic/communication at home. Tis quite a training to have two sets of skills like that, but I think it’s pretty doable. Arguing / tumultuous conversations seem to me a sign that you two were trying to use military skills in a democracy. That won’t work. In the service people don’t argue because a person who disagrees with his/her superior is sent to the stockade. In a happy marriage people don’t argue because both protect the other person’s ability to share disagreement/differences in an agreeable fashion.”   This sounds like a bunch of Master/Slave stuff. 

      I hear your feelings of dispair about his changing.  But on the other hand, I think he has no choice.  Eventually he will lose you if he doesn’t change.  The question is not “If” he will change, but “how soon.”   He may have to go through three wives before he decides to work on it!   I would suggest helping him speed up.  The image is that you head for the University of Life, show him the way, give him less and less chance to hang back and if necessary  move on for your own sake.  Ponder that it takes only One to make a Marriage

      Keep a going. 

  2. Dear Friend, Glad to add that link to the paper and hand it to you. Boundary Inserts are a simple way of converting MasterTalk back into Dialogue. I actually have written about them for many years, and you will find references to them by using the Search on my Blog.
    But I would like to state again, the goal is to remove the Master/Slave thinking from the room and ensure empathic connection. MasterTalk is just a clue to Master/Slave thinking.

  3. Hi Al, I found this article very interesting. I'm involved in a somewhat stressful situation at work with some very large egos (a young group of male hot-shot Java programmers recently graduated from college and 3 or 4 older admin and mgt types in their 40s).
    There is a lot of master-slave talk going on from all people involved as they jockey for position. Could you please provide a link to your boundary inserts idea? I think that could prove valuable in this situation. Similar to the military group, people frequently interrupt and refute each other's sentences, making communication a frustrating process.

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